Something… Don’t ask me what

Honestly I don’t even know why I am starting this… It might be dumb, it might not, I just need somewhere where I can express my feelings since I am going trough some things I would really rather not. And here I am, remembered this site from a friend that used to write here. I don’t know if this is the actual purpose of this site, to talk about life stories or like write real texts but I am already here so whatever really. First things first, I hope no known person by me or friends or family find this, because this is kinda like a sanctuary for me, where I can just say anything and noone will judge me (hopefully) and noone will find out. So basics about me: I am a portuguese guy turning 16 in November. It might be stupid for me, at such a young age, to write shit like this, but I am really needing to do so.

Well lets face it: this is a hard age, and as young as I am, I know that! I am going trough a whole lot mentally honestly and that’s what I wanna put out there.

So let me stop saying the same thing over and over again and let me head to the reason why I am writing this text (that will probably be a long one).

So, I am a pretty good english speaker so I get myself in some websites for… english people I guess? Anyways, I am a really big fan of reality TV. Not like Mobwives or shows on that genre, more like reality TV/ competition shows like Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, etc. So I found one site where I could play some games based on that. I found this site a long time ago and I ended up making some friends there. This is the starting point to the story I am exposing today.

Another point I wanna get a look on is my sexuality: I found out when I was like 13 that I could be bisexual. I don’t want to get in much details about that, just the essential, I found out I could be bissexual. I always took it as a joke almost if you know what I mean? Like I didn’t give a fuck I thought it could be something that would eventually pass, it was just a phase!

But now I had to face it. I got into a game in that site, it’s Survivor based, and even tho it was mostly americans (there were only 2 european players and one from ocenia) I would get along well with them because I manage to communicate in english fairly well, just enough so that they can understand me. So I went into that game thinking like, I am gonna meet noone, I am gonna be eliminated quickly for being young and all of that, I was pretty scared actually! Little did I know I would find friends, enemies, allies and people I wanted to be something more than that…

So I met this guy there. We started talking day 1 and we had an alliance and we talked pretty much all the time, we went on calls and talked about the game and also talked a bit personally. It was such an amazing time. Then there was one day where it hit me that I liked him, I wanted to talk to him all the time, I was always asking to call with him, I would basically vanish when he talked about girls or flirted with someone from the game, and overall I just found him attractive inside out. The worst part isn’t this, the worst part isn’t even that he is american, 5 years older then me (exactly by the way, happy birthday is sang to us in the same day) and straight…

The worst part is that it hit me that my sexuality was NOT a joke anymore. It was, and is, something very real, and I couldn’t deal with it, I just couldn’t! So that’s when my depression started basically. Over the fact that I am bisexual, and that I am afraid of not being accepted by society in general. Of course, I found some great people who I talked to, I came out to one friend of mine and she fully accepted me and said she would help me come out if I ever felt like doing so, even in that website I found people that managed to be my lifeline and that managed to calm myself down in the middle of panic attacks and deeply depressive moments…

I am still not over it being honest… It’s still a surreal feel that I am bisexual and I am still, indeed, depressed, and the guy only makes me more depressed because evn tho the game ended already, we keep on talking daily and I feel like I love him more each day, which turns my sexuality into a progressively bigger reality (which leaves me depressed) and leaves me even more depressed because I know it’s a completely impossible relationship. Sure, we are friends, and I am glad we are, above all I want him on my life more than anything, even if it’s just like friends or, like he tells me, “like brothers, like you are my little brother with who I can talk about anything and I hope you feel the same towards me”.

I tried everything… I really did, I tried flirting with girls to test my sexuality but I always ended up thinking about the guy and it would leave me angry at myself and the person I became. I also tried to flirt with other guys, and there was a guy online that actually really liked me, but we dont talk much more on those terms because I always end up thinking about the guy.

I don’t even know how I feel right now, I am just a mess of a human being: I am in love but I punish myself psychologically for it, I am depressed, I am angry at myself, I am sad… I am depressed… Everything comes back to those words…

And the worst part is that I hate to love the guy so much! Like I really wanna forget about it but everytime I see he messaged it’s just such a rollercoaster of emotions, it lightens up my mood instantly but moments after I thinka bout all of what I just wrote here and… I just don’t know what to think…

Ultimately I am gonna decide to publish this dumbass text that noone will see probably. I dont even know if you can comment on others texts around here or anything. Probably you will find this text childish and will say “You have much time to find out your sexuality, that is just a little crush, blah blah blah”. But I don’t think so. I don’t think I would have so many demons deep inside if it was just a little crush. And if you think so, you are entitled to your own opinion, but only I know the way I feel and only I know the feeling I have towards the guy, as much as it hurts me…

If you can comment and you are interested in knowing more about my life, even about this one love interest, I am here to write about it. Its the only place I can throw it all out there, so that is what I want to do. Throw my problems into a computer screen and hope that one year later, I will be able to look at this and think “I got trough it, and it made me stronger”.

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