Donald Trump and how the world will end

(Or, “Learning to love the President”)

It is time to embrace President Trump. I mean — I think it’s a horrible idea — but I am trying to keep an open mind, and I have been told that it’s the patriotic thing to do. I mean, so sayeth patriots. Am I correct? Patriotism.

And by thoroughly embracing a Trump presidency, we can immediately scratch a whole lot of “to-do” things off of humanity’s bucket list. By taking Trump’s basic philosophies and playing them out to their extreme, President Trump’s true vision for the future reveals itself.

First and foremost, we ban all minorities — by which, I don’t just mean all the ethnic or religious minorities on Trump’s greatest hits album. I mean any human. I mean any flesh-and-blood person who isn’t Donald Trump himself. By reducing the world population to just one — a single person, in the form of Donald Trump, the man, we will effectively reduce carbon-based emissions, and thus global-warming. By embracing this bold, new plan, over-population will be a thing of the past, as will the wear-and-tear on our poorly underfunded infrastructure, such as roads and bridges. I assure you, by going through with this, we will ultimately end hunger and poverty itself. As a man well-passed his schooling years, (and who refuses to read), we can offer him an education, and not have to pay for it. We won’t even have to fill the schools with teachers. We will be able to offer him free universal healthcare, since, as the last man on Earth, his health will be of no concern. Discrimination against minorities will no longer be an issue, since there will be none.

One point which concerns everyone, is that there will be plenty of jobs supporting the war apparatus in the final days — and once the population is eliminated, there will be jobs for everyone, because there will be no one left except for President Trump himself. Finally, there will be no need to build the wall since there will be no one on the other side, which of course will eliminate illegal immigration, and open up NAFTA and plenty of other trade deals with foreign countries from which the President can profit. Also, none of those foreign leaders will be able to make fun of his horrible personality any longer.

I will grant you, there may be some hurdles which we will have to get over — but if we all pull together as a team, it is most certainly achievable.

So, let’s get to work.

When reducing the population to just President Trump himself, there’s a lot to consider. After everyone is gone, who will own the banks, and the corporations and the pipelines, and real estate, and all the other revenue-streams which enhance The Donald’s life? Who will produce the Television programs which broadcast The Donald’s every guttural utterance, night and day? Who will report the news which The Donald purports to hate? Who will hang on his every word, as if anything he says is any different from that of Caligula, Nero or any Roman Emperor in the empire’s decline?

Remember — This isn’t a regular population reduction. This is like an apocalypse movie for a cause — with all the proceeds given to a charity of one. But you have to consider, he’s worth it. Am I right? I mean what better person to be left all alone to his devices on a dying planet, while jet-setting between Mar a Lago and Trump Tower and sending out random tweets to the spacemen.

So what’s the first thing you’ve got to do to implement this plan? Get out your current world population calendar. We’re currently at 7.5 billion people on the planet. According to the Population Institute, the world population increases by 228 thousand people per day — and that’s after you calculate the deaths, which is less than half the number of births. It’s just not maintainable — or sustainable. I don’t like it better than anyone else — But, that’s why this plan is important.

Trump is seventy. Right? So, based upon World Life Expectancy dot com, the average life expectancy of a white American male living in Florida is 76. For New York it is 78. (Those are his two homes.) So, let’s consider that he is a billionaire, and we’ll throw an extra fifteen years onto his life — because that’s how it works. Rich people live longer. I don’t know why. It is possible that when you financially slap your dick in the face of the poor, that your life-force somehow feeds on them like a vampire. The science is unclear to me. I think it has something to do with eminent domain.

So — that means he’s got roughly twenty more years to live. (God willing.) Conversely, he’s clearly got early onset dementia. So, he’s got four good years of brain function. Unfortunately, he will be incontinent within the year — So I’m giving him about the same amount of time as his presidential term. His presidency ends the day he has lost all control of his bowels.

Of course, if the Democrats keep running Hillary Clinton, President Trump will have a dark reign of a thousand years, which could mean decades upon decades of Trump defecating on the sick and the poor — like a firehose hooked directly to the New York City sewer system, spraying out foul, raw human excrement from here to eternity.

That of course, is what we are trying to avoid. But, in theory — if it comes to that — maybe this could be a sustainable source of energy, like those buses that run on French fry grease.

But, Trump can work on that later. For right now, how will we reduce the global population to just one?

There are so many ways to kill…

For guns, we have:
• Arquebus.
• Blunderbuss.
• Musket. Musketoon. Wall gun. Grenade launcher.
• Submachine gun.
• Rifle. Lever-action rifle. Bolt-action rifle. Assault rifle. Battle rifle. Carbine. Service rifle. Sniper rifle.
• Shotgun. Combat shotgun. Semi-automatic shotgun. Automatic shotgun.

And all of those have a thousand sub-names and sub-categories.

Next, we have the military helicopters.

We’ve got the V-22 Osprey, the Cheyenne, the Bell 47, the Iroquois, The Chinook, The Apache, The Raven, The Huskie, The Sioux, The Sikorsky, The Arapaho, and dozens of other varieties that are named after Native Americans and Eskimos. I’m sure they are thrilled. White people come to your continent and kill everyone you know and then they name all their new killing machines after you when you’re dead.

And sure — all of these killing machines are effective on a small scale — but even tanks really aren’t going to do the job when you consider 7.5 BILLION PEOPLE!

The serious stuff is Chemical weapons, Biological weapons, Drone Strikes and Nuclear bombs.

I’m just trying to embrace Trump — so hear me out. What I am looking for is a peaceful and sustainable new world, and I prefer to do it with flowers and hugs. If you want to think outside of the box, there are plenty of sustainable energy sources which would help to feed, clothe and shelter all 7.5 Billion people on a permanent basis. What comes to mind is solar, static, organic, kinetic, thermodynamic, wind, magnetic, geothermal and hydro energies… But they have such scary names — and Trump has already said I’m not going to be one of the chosen ones, according to his weird interpretation of the Bible.

Last time I quoted scripture to him, I recited, “It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get through the gates of heaven,” but he just spouted some nonsense about the Pope being wrong — and then he accused me of turning out the lights in the arena — this was in Atlanta — and then he shouted “get him out!” I really get the impression that he doesn’t like me.

That’s why I’m trying to change my ways. And so I also maintain an open mind — and according to what I’ve heard, these deadly weapons are one of the better options on the table rather than all my hippy solutions. And, in all fairness — I think those nastier weapons of mass destruction are probably more suited to President Trump.

So — the plan is: Get some of these gung-ho young bucks who are in love with their X-Box to get behind the controls of some of those military drones — the ones that Chelsea Manning exposed — You know — the video Manning leaked, dubbed “collateral murder” showing U.S. Drone pilots indiscriminately killing over a dozen people including civilians and two Reuters reporters in Baghdad. It’s like a video game to them. We get some of those X-box freaks, and they just get to work blowing up stuff. They don’t care.

For those who are unfamiliar with the fine details of X-Box culture — The military calls drones UAVs, (unmanned aerial vehicles), or RPAS, (remotely piloted aerial systems). Barack Obama is really the guy who needs to get credit for popularizing these particular killing machines. Typically they are used for unmanned flights where putting a soldier in battle is considered to be a thing which will get a soldier extremely dead. There are plenty of drones which are just used for surveillance and intelligence, but at the end of the day — Who are we kidding? They were created for killing without accountability. Killing without having to look your victim in the eye. Killing to rob a person of all they ever were, or all the potential they may have had, and doing so without feeling any remorse — because it’s like a video game. And that is why they are so important for the first leg of this Trump military strike under the new plan to reduce the population to President Trump, and President Trump alone.

In general, it is a well-accepted fact that drones kill more civilians than actual military targets, and this results in making more terrorists. But, with this paradigm shift toward population reduction, fuck ’em. Fuck us all! We need to cleanse the earth, for the arrival of the squid people — and President Trump.

So, get some kind of Tom Cruise look-alike and load up him and “The Gooseman” with some hellfire missiles and some Sarin gas, and start bombing. The real trick will be keeping the toxic effect of total war away from President Trump. He’s got very dainty hands and a fear of stairs — so we have to keep the nukes out of the US. That’s a real thing. Trump is afraid of stairs.

But… then you gotta consider if North Korea or anyone else with intercontinental missiles gets wind of this, they will go straight for our nuclear power plants, and that will cause some pretty serious devastation. There’s the initial blast, then the radiation, and of course the fallout.

You hear different theories about this stuff — If you hear on the news, that nukes are eminent, you’re supposed to make it to the local elementary school with a bomb shelter. First comes the nuclear blast. That part of nukes is the same as any other bomb. It blows the crap out of everyone. It ruptures your eardrums, and punctures your lungs — and for the grand finale, it hurls telephone poles at your head before it splits your face in two.

Then you’ve got the thermal radiation. And unlike conventional explosions, it burns your skin and lights everything on fire — literally it lights everything on fire, creating fire tornadoes. If you get stuck in that, just hope you have a gun on you — not so you can shoot at the fire tornadoes — but so you can blow your head off before you suffer through your skin falling off and your eyes melting out of the sockets.

Again — I still prefer flowers as a peaceful solution — but, if you live through watching the faces of all your friends and loved ones melting off of their heads, it’s the crap in the air that will do you in. That’s all the neutron and gamma radiation kicking around in the dust called the fallout.

At this stage you still may also want to blow your head off, even if you stayed inside through the whole thing. Human warmth and hugs could probably get you through to the end — But without three feet of concrete between you and that radiation, your skin is still going to fall off and your genitals will probably swell up to the size of a Mitsubishi.

Now — if you live through that with your Mitsubishi sized genitals, then there is the issue of the soil and water being radioactive, which will also kill you before long. The humane solution would be to issue everyone flowers, or at least cyanide capsules to cheer you up in your final moments — But remember, we do want President Trump to profit from this in the end — so it will be best not to include that in the budget.

Best case scenario, maybe we just embrace the idea that nukes are inevitable too. Or maybe we just keep coming up with a plan. I think that if we find the political will for war, that anything is possible — keeping in mind, as always, that the ultimate goal of war is peace — and most importantly to increase the tangible financial assets for President Trump. At least, that is what I am told — if we are being patriotic about it.

I haven’t properly thought this through, and I know that President Trump has no military experience, but I really, truly, (as a patriot) do believe that everything President Trump has proposed is brilliant. I think he is just very misunderstood.

Look at Covfefe.

Could a single word by any other person unite a people so thoroughly?

What we need is peace through population reduction — no nuclear fallout, and some kind of financial stability for President Trump — and do so in a way that appeals to Trump’s ego. Perhaps we could construct all outgoing nuclear missiles in the shape of Trump Tower, with a picture of Trump’s face right above the logo. And we could put a wig stapled to the tip of the cone.

Alright — So, if we are going to embrace full-on global war, President Trump will probably want us to study the nazis. I think it’s making things really, really weird — but like I said, I’m just trying to follow this thing through using Trump’s own philosophy.

In 1935, Hitler started to build up his Armed Forces by introducing the draft. This broke the Treaty of Versailles, but Britain and France said, “fuck it… He will probably be Time Magazine’s man of the year, so we’re cool with it.” In 1936, Hitler invaded Rhineland and in 1938 took over Austria and tried to take over the Sudetenland. In 1939 he brought his troops to Czechoslovakia and made a secret pact with Russia. It was only when Hitler invaded Poland did anyone really care. Before that, no one gave a fuck. He broke the Treaty of Versailles a half a dozen times, and no one did anything about it.

So, Hitler kicks off World War II with the Poland thing, eventually dragging in what would become known as the Axis and the Allied Powers. Pearl Harbor happens. Stalin gets 20 million of his own people killed… Some say up to sixty. But it seems like an awful lot of work, just to reduce the population to President Trump and President Trump alone.

Obviously, Donald Trump has been inspired by Adolph Hitler in more ways than one — which again, is really weird. You heard about his divorce proceedings revealing that Trump kept a book of Hitler’s speech’s by his bedside, right? I mean, I’m not making this stuff up. As I was saying, Trump is a master of getting people to go at each other’s throats — so, I have no doubt that Trump will find a way to nearly bring an end to the human race.

I find the concept abhorrent — but we just need to find a suitable way for Mr. Trump to profit and live in comfort in the aftermath of global war. Again, I would prefer a mandatory national campaign of hugs and sharing flowers with each other — but, in keeping with how Trump and other self-described patriots are telling us how we should handle our business, I’m just trying to keep an open mind.

We have to remember, that our goal is to reduce carbon-based emissions, costs for infrastructure, to end poverty, bring jobs to America, and find a way to back out of having to build Trump’s wall.

So, once Trump invades Poland, I think the rest will mainly work itself out. The trick is,
once the population reduction has been started, there is still the safety of the President to consider. Luckily, the United States has 800 military bases across the globe. That said — they aren’t going to arm themselves. So, once all the U.S. troops annihilate everyone on the planet, they will be required to kill themselves. Of course, we don’t want to waste any money on guns or ammunition, so it would be preferable if lions or tigers could be available, so that at least President Trump will be entertained as the lions and tigers tear the soldiers apart.

From this stage, the robots will take over, to protect against the radiation and any squid and/or lizard people who attempt to attack President Trump from beyond the terrestrial plane. The robots must be equipped with giant vacuums to suck all the radiation out of the air. I think that should pretty much take care of the population reduction. There is no need to worry about the first family, as I am fairly certain the President would prefer to be by himself.

I will work on President Trump’s ongoing survival in one of the installments to come.