Growing up under the roof of two perfectionist parents, I was constantly shown how high the standards were…..and oh boy were they high. So inevitably the genes were passed down to me, a child perfectionist was born. Ambition was filled inside me, there was no shortage of it.

This abundance of ambition and resilient was put to test my pre teen years. There were opportunities all around me, I just had to work for it, work hard— at least that’s what I was told. So, I smiled through it all. I was the obedient daughter, the reliable friend, the good student, the quiet opposer. They say childhood days are your most peaceful ones, but I couldn’t wait to grow up….and contrary to popular beliefs, I don’t take that back or regret those words. There’s a lot to figure out while growing up; your identity, your place in the world, your goals for life, and what your future will look like, all these unanswered questions weigh heavy on one’s conscience.

I, like a lot of ambitious perfectionists “smiled through the pain” taking on every role, every task. I was resilient, productive, making progress in life. My mentality in life was to dive into the pool, so the only choice I had was to swim or drown. I burnt myself out this way, I took more dives than I could handle.

As I’m living my last few months of teenage years, I don’t feel the same way about life anymore. I no longer have ambitions, I no longer aspire to be an obedient daughter, a good student, or an excellent friend. I just want to exist. I don’t want to take on anymore role, I dread tasks. Each time I try to start something new, I’m reminded of how difficult it was first time, how difficult that swim was after the dive. The horrid memories of drowning takes over my motivation, and I sit back down.

Everyone around me says people grow mature with time, but I’m moving in an opposite direction — and I agree with them, but I can’t help it. The future scares me. What I’ve realized is that I was living in survival mode, shutting down everything else and only focusing on getting through the month or the year. But life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I couldn’t sprint anymore so I stopped completely, and I’m seeing the tiredness of the sprint now. I’m noticing all the traumas, triggers, these aches that I’ve developed during my sprint. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a perfect person with infinite amount of resilience, no. I’m actually really fucked up, emotionally, I was just good at suppressing these feelings when my aim was visible, and my focus was the finish line. I realized that the finish line was imaginary, not attainable, so I stopped running for it. It was the most disheartening realization, and now starting back up seems impossible, even walking in comparison to a sprint is too much to ask of myself.

So when I say I’m exhausted, I guess what I really mean is that being an obedient daughter, a good student, a reliable friend is no longer my priority. My priority has been dragged down to picking up the pieces of my survival period, and getting even a step closer to doing things again. My priority is to take care of myself and my mental health before falling into another trap of perfection set by someone else. My priority is to stay out of another survival mode and deal with the horrid aftermath of the first one.

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Procrastinating because I am afraid of failure….

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Rojina Timsina

Rojina Timsina

Procrastinating because I am afraid of failure….

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