Day 5 Dreaming in sobriety
I have the most wasted but happiest weekend, the feeling inside of me saying:”being young is so motherfucking cool” and there’s a lot of things I would like to do in my 20s.
The unstop drinking fresh brew and rounds after rounds of shouts, I am starting to getting into another level of life which is not a escaping but enjoying the insobriety. I met new people, making funny jokes, the din of chinking glasses, the laughing of people outside and surrounded with skyscrapers, feeling like we are the frogs in the well, but we don’t desire about the ocean at all.
Sadly, I still vomiting like crazy, the locations where I well behaved myself are: the center of the main busy road, and the front gate of my university. This impulse came not from my stomach but my ebullient blood. I let it out vomits naturally went up as my upper body gently leaned down. Great experience because sobriety takes the charge of my body soon, alcohol fled away like the clown messed up his show.
From the front gate where I got off to my dormitory is about 20 minutes walk, nobody around but myself, trying to turn on the music, battery is dying, trying to walk straight but feet started its revolution, circling and twisting. It’s such a hard and exhausting journey, with so many times the devil in my head persuading me:”just lie down on this cold cold cement ground, where you can rest your hot body and complicated emotions”.
I didn’t, the smell of my bed in the dorm still has its irresistible attraction. I still keep the night routine as usual but in a slow motion, grabbing my cleanser and make up remover, walking firming to the public bathroom with bare foot. Tiredness finally got me, after struggling to climb up to my bed, I fell sleep quicker than usual.
I love to drink, sometimes for the reason of practicing, sometimes for knowing who I am, sometimes just for fun with friends. Alcohol can make people more honest, and I enjoy people have honesty and genuine conversations.
After another the 4 rounds of shots, I went to the night club to have more fun, the beats and the loudness made me fly without taking any drugs.
Life, life, life…I have few flashing faces of C, my bf, Lord, I miss his sweet little cherry lip, his inconsistent but cute beard on his smooth face, the reflection of his dim, innocent eyes, the everything, but so untouchable and distant.
I suddenly had a great leap into nothingness, where I feel the corners of my mouths upward, my eyes slightly closed, my body swings with the invisible beats, I melted into the nights with my faraway lover, his name being called millions times in my dream.
I love dreaming, where I can be everything, a ordinary no-one to a pebble, a drop of water, a pleasant smell that is fleeting.
I love people, I love being loved…
I need love and always on may way searching for love.
No matter I am sober or not.
Roland
2018/9/3
