Overcoming the feeling of sadness

I feel sadness. It’s been 5 years since the time my depression was in the deepest level and over 10 years since the beginning of these emotions. Lately I have found help in work and been trying to keep myself busy with all kinds of projects like I have used to do before no matter what’s the state of mind.

And I thought the sad days were over. I have not been diagnosed with depression for years, although I have been without therapy only about two years in my adult life. Currently I suffer from Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which makes my days a struggle sometimes.

Sadness from a Disney Pixar movie Inside Out (2015).

I have problems. I’m quite normal if you ask the outside world. I’m incredibly open person considering the fact I was that quiet one before. My problems are versatile and solely in my head. I like writing a lot more than talking but I’ve noticed I have lately been doing more of the latter, because I just can’t find a quiet time during the day. And If I do, I spend that time working, because I’ve been way too busy. And for that I hate being busy. And I hate being hyperactive when on caffeine or alcohol and I’m afraid some people think me as annoying or self-centered. I still think too much what others think about me, although been avoiding that destructive behaviour. That’s probably related to the Social Anxiety Disorder I’ve also been diagnosed in the past.

Now playing while writing this. Play to get the feels.

I often chat with one of my friends who is depressed and alcoholic and many times in a deeply saddened state. Even though I’m not depressed nowadays, I am often in very anxious or in emotional states and as for person that have gone through with serious episodes of depression in the past, I can totally relate.

But he sometimes asks me what reason I got to be sad about. As if sadness is somehow related to the life situation, because just sometimes it is not. I have two beautiful children and a beautiful wife who give me power every day, but they do not magically cure my anxiety disorder or states of sadness. Also, I don’t feel very sad around them, because the sadness comes only after everyone sleeps and I stay awake.

When I was deeply depressed, I was sad about unpromising future, bad financial situation, father issues, bad self-esteem and generally my over-worrying character among other things. Today I don’t get sad that often, but when I do, it’s either related to my other half, who is struggling about things I can’t control, or about myself, when I do harm by working too much or don’t pay attention to my children enough. I get sad when thinking about my parents or my wife’s parents who are not together or about friends I don’t see any longer.

I get sad thinking about my anxiousness and my occasional lack of interest in everything except good few lines of code. I get sad about thinking things in life I have might missed or thinking about death that doesn’t scare me or interest me any more. I get sad about thinking the hypothetical things that don’t even exist in any other reality than in my own. I get sad about thinking. Most of the time I just think too much and can’t help it. When I do a lot of stuff, I just postpone the thinking.

Now playing while writing this. Play to get the feels.

I have only two people in my life to talk about the deepest personal and difficult issues, my wife and my therapist. My wife has even more stuff to deal with from her past so sometimes it’s not wise to talk about my issues when she is going through with her own.

Loneliness is a typical feeling for me, being the one who was always outside. At work the feeling is almost non-existent though, but I can’t help it sometimes even there.

If my anxiety gets too deep, I get a panic attack and after it cry uncontrollably. This happens once or twice a month, usually. After this I get the feeling of sadness from hours to a day and then it passes until occurs again. This I won’t tell anyone, because it is what it is.

I don’t know the point of this story. It tells about this certain character and I know people like me. People who are struggling with their thoughts, who are perfectionists to the point it makes them even more anxious. Skillful, talented people, but sometimes sad.

I loved the way Sadness was portrayed in Disney’s Inside Out (mild spoilers ahead) — you need sadness to be happy again; if you don’t feel sad, you can’t be that happy all the time and if you don’t feel sad or happy, something is seriously wrong.

The most important thing is to be able to overcome the sadness. I learned it through work and side projects and doing stuff with my loved ones. The resolution to overcome sadness is to do more and think less. Do good stuff, meet people even if you feel outside, or just be yourself and do the things you like. Eventually the sadness will pass.

Maybe it’s just life. Be sad, the happiness will come.

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