Overwhelmed by guilt
Hoy me levanté de malas pulgas. No soportaba ni mi propia cara en el espejo. Le grité a la perilla de la puerta del…medium.com
Today I got up badly. I could not stand my own face in the mirror. I shouted at the knob on the door of the room, because not to open when I wanted; to the mug of coffee, for being too hot and burning me; to the driver of the bus, for asking me to move backwards, to give space to those who were coming in; and to my secretary, because his face alone made me nauseous. The day was difficult, it seemed like it would never end my turn, but at last, when I got home in the afternoon, I felt empty, sore and full of guilt, especially because of the horrible things I said to my secretary because of her way to dress.
I can not focus on anything, I do not want to eat and I spent the minutes and hours thinking how bad I made Patricia feel. I imagine a thousand different scenarios in which she goes to the bathroom to cry or when she comes to her house to “accuse me” with her husband, for my behavior as an ogre, or for the depression that I provoked him for criticizing his personal image. I spend another time blaming myself and inventing possible conversations to justify what I did, to blame the coffee mug… no excuse version seems to me enough to bind the mug that burned me with my violent behavior.
In the end I do not sleep well, and as the weekend comes, the torture continues for two more days until Monday.
When I return to the office, I am sullen with Patricia, I hardly see her again, much less greet or speak to her. During the day I only speak to him to give him urgent instructions and at the time of departure, I again retire without saying goodbye or looking at his space.
On the bus, I feel like the biggest jerk in the universe. How is it possible that I behave so badly with someone who has done nothing to offend me? My afternoon/evening does not run differently from the previous ones, but I do not invent any possible excuses anymore, I just try to occupy my mind in something else, to forget it.
But the guilt does not go away, it screws itself to the walls of my brain and I know it’s there. At the least thought it lights up as an emergency light, indicating that there is something unresolved, but I throw something on it to not see it and I continue to carry it, throughout my life.
It is very common to do things that we later regret and as a consequence, be left with feelings of guilt, different sizes and intensity.
It is more common than we imagine, the amount of guilty that we buried daily in the darkest corners of us, not to have to deal with them, of course, after leaving an atmosphere of desolation and sadness, directly proportional to the intensity and the size of our fault.
All this situation only makes us heavier to walk our path in life. It torments us unnecessarily at the least opportune moments and above all, makes us come back to stumble upon similar situations, over and over again. Because mistakes are not overcome until we learn from them, until we recognize what happened and until we make the necessary decisions to change course.
Guilt is totally unnecessary. Things happen and when they happen, they pass. We can not change what has already happened, we can only act today, to change what will happen tomorrow.
If any of our actions do not seem right or adequate, we do not immerse ourselves in repentance or guilt. Let’s analyze what happened, how I got there and what I can do to change that way of acting. If I can not find tools to change my path, I look for the tools, but I do not torment myself with what happened.
When my inappropriate actions lead to regrettable interactions with other people, such as the story of the beginning, it is equally senseless to feel guilty. First we have to evaluate what caused the anger, which triggered our spirits to sour from the morning. We have to determine what processes in our mind allow that morning feeling of nonconformity to scale to the levels it did, and finally, if we think we have behaved inadequately with someone else, let us offer sincere apologies. If we can repair the damage we have done, for example, if we break a vase or a window, let’s do it. If we can not, close the subject with the apologies given. Nothing else we can do. It is important to understand that everyone is responsible for their own process and that we can not take care of solving the processes of no one but ourselves.
Let’s not let guilt overtake us. Let us take the reins of our decisions, avoid falling into situations that lead us to these inappropriate emotional adventures and keep walking.