When you work behind one for a while.
The bar is my favorite place to be. I like to work, sit, drink and ruin my chances of success behind it.
The bar is like one big dysfunctional, messed up family where everyone is the drunk uncle. From my big and long career as an alcoholic and a bartender, I have seen ’em all — some more than the other.
The One That Hates You, Me, His Job, The News, and Those Damn Millennials
His response to “how are you” is a grunt. “The damn liberals/conservatives are making it really hard for the working man to make his money honestly.” How is his wife? “Still alive.” How are the kids? “Spending too much money.”
It’s not nice out, it’s too hot. He’s going on a nice vacation? “Costs too damn much.” Went out for dinner? “The food sucked.” He can’t wait to retire so he can complain about how he worked too long and got nothing out of it…and yell at clouds.
And these damn lazy millennials!
Good for :
Venting about the government and co-workers, as long as there’s complaining he’s your guy.
The Suited Up Douche
Ah, he wears a suit to work every day AND he has a credit card! That means he’s allowed to have all the inappropriate comments you can google. His vocabulary is similar to a porn hub search bar and his signature move is the lip lick. Don’t you know he has money? Married, single or dating he is ready to show you how a “real man should treat you”. He is either desperately trying to get laid or sitting with the other suits congratulating himself on being privileged. Think Barney from HIMYM but you hate him.
Good for :
Realizing you have a good man at home or realizing you’re happy to be single.
The One Who’s There For Free Drinks
What’s that? You’ll have a bottle of Coors Light? Why, of course. Oh, the gentleman over there would like to buy you a drink. Yes, I know he shouldn’t have. Oh, you’re changing that beer to Glenfiddich’s 50-year-old Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Double.
Got ya.
She (or he, but I’ve seen more of she, feminists please don’t start!) is just there for a quick little itsy bitsy drink because she’s in a rush until he offers to buy her a drink. God help us if the person in charge of the place is buying, she will drink your bar dry, leave no money behind and you’ll see her more often than your grandma when you’re hungry.
Good for :
Getting his bill (and your tip) from 20$ to 2000$ in 20 min.
Entertainment.
Bonus points: She spends number 2’s money and does not go home with him.
The Functioning Alcoholic
She (or he, she in this version so feminists forgive me) has a job she loves, a body to die for, a loving family, and she can kill two bottles of wine before noon. Her bill is never under 100$ but that’s okay because she can afford it.
On a good day she’s your best friend, on a bad day you wonder what’s the catch? Is she hiding prostitutes in her basement? She’s a boss bitch, beautiful, smart, funny and you always feel a little worse about yourself after talking to her, but she’s just too nice to hate so you just mumble to yourself how you’re pathetic while you refill the fuckin ice.
Good for:
She’s good for everything, of course.
The Desperate One
He is not that bad, but he’s just so sad. He’s just sitting there like Kevin from Home Alone when he realized he’s spending Christmas …alone. His life is not that sad; he drains people with his negativity. He’s different from the grunt; he doesn’t complain, he only has a tragic passive-aggressive outlook on life.
“That’s okay; I’m used to people leaving.”
Uhm, buddy, I’m just going to the bathroom.
Good For:
Feeling better about yourself.
The Workaholic
He is not here to indulge you in a meaningless conversation about the weather or the latest news. He is not interested in your day nor your life and he certainly isn’t here to have any kind of fun. He is here to work! He wants his beer quick! Time is money!
He is on his phone, laptop, and iPad while yelling at his 22-year-old intern over the phone (that douchey BlueTooth earplug phone thing). He has one beer because he doesn’t waste money like these other alcoholics, and you know he thinks we’re all losers.
Good for:
Alone time. He won’t talk to you. He’s working. Don’t you see the laptop?
Telling off people you can’t tell of for you.
The Chatty One
“…and then I went over to the store and bought milk, chicken, tuna. My favorite type of tuna is …………………… “
How was his day? Well, he woke up at eight or was it 830? Does he believe it was eight or was that yesterday? No yesterday was 830, today is 8. Usually, he tries to wake up at the same time every day but he was feeling a little off yesterday because they were out drinking the day before yesterday. He was late for work yesterday but made it in time today, so yes, he woke up eight today. For breakfast, he had two poached eggs, and bacon. He likes his eggs poached medium, but you know that. It’s the third time he mentioned it. Then he went to turn his car on to heat up because it gets cold in the winter, you know it’s cold today. Yesterday…and you zone him out and keep repeating: “Yea, haha” “Wow, that’s crazy” “Really? No way!” until you can think of an excuse to leave.
Good for :
Passing him on to people you dislike.
He’s fun when you’re drunk.
The One Not Capable of Reading Social Cues
“You look tired!” is his standard greeting.
He’ll yell at you from the end of the bar while you’re doing something.
“Hey! Hey! HOW ARE YOU?! HOW ARE YOUR HEMORRHOIDS?”
He’ll come over and poke you on your back while you’re sitting with his back turned to him and gladly interrupt every conversation.
He’ll sit next to you and say things like, “What’s that on your face?” to a person with a mole, and when you elbow him, his response will be, “What are you punching me for?”
You’re not sure if he does this on purpose or not because he’s otherwise not a bad guy.
Good for:
Entertainment.
Embarrassing people you dislike.
The One That Can’t Handle Their Alcohol
He’s eloquent, entertaining, exuberant, polite, and generous, and it all changes after drink number 3. Introducing: Sloppy mess, king of the tripping over stairs movement.
Why are you using me as your hanger?
When he speaks, you have to play the skipping game because you always have a feeling he’s going in for a greasy makeout session.
He ends up in tears over his high school girlfriend and crawls home with eyes closed, and then you don’t see him for a month.
“I always said you were a great person, I :hickup: miss my girlfriend man :cries:”
Good for:
Reminder to eat before you drink.
The Favourite Regular
He is there every day, and he knows and talks to everyone. The people that work there, the people that drink there, and the people that show up once and never come back. He is the listening ear for everybody and overall just a nice guy. He doesn’t need too much attention, and he’s not needy; if he could, he’d serve himself. He can talk to you about the quantum theory and the uncertainty principle or Kim and Kanye. Most bars have one. If they don’t, it means they don’t treat their good people right, and you don’t want to be a part of that.
Good for :
See above.
