Around this time last year, I didn’t know it’d be my last time being around the toxic company I covered for; a countless amount of times.
Some of the pain he gave off, I was okay with repeating. I knew there would always be some sort of comfort in the end. But this pain was not left encountered for. This pain was one that was spread out through the entire summer and half of the first semester. I think the only reason I was able to somewhat get through that was because of someone who I gave too much credits towards.
This person was full of paradoxes. Looking up and down on my strength. Showing his kind eyes but poking at my silent insecurities behind my back. Wanting to make time for me, but cancelling an hour before. In the back of my mind, I knew this friendship wouldn’t last, but I kept faith and hoped that it would go on for as long as it could. I guess it did run its short course.
When you love someone so much, you overlook their imperfections and all the toxic parts about them. But once those toxic actions hit you, boy, do they hit you hard. For a long time you wonder what went wrong, what you did wrong, and many more anxiety-filled questions. You learn the hard way that the person you once knew, moved on and found a new peace of mind, whatever that may be. Then, you’re left alone to wonder and grieve.
The thoughts and triggers come back to me time to time. Whenever I see his girlfriend or him floating around social media, my heart drops; but all I can do is put it right back into its place, and carry on. Caving in and looking at old videos and photos of us on my flash drive (of now someone who has taken it away to prevent me from relapsing). It does hurt less and less everyday. I’m also reminded that I’m amazing. All the things I do, say, and am. No other person will ruin or take that away from me. Never again.