How to have a happy relationship with your lady?

Men ask themselves that shit all the time. “What do women like? Do they like a nice 6-pack? Do they want a artsy hipster dude? Do they want a romantic Casanova who quotes dead poets and walks around with dead flowers? Do they want a rich orange dude who wants a 3-way with his wife and his daughter, Ivanka?”

There’s simply no right answer. People are complex. But there are some tricks that could be on anyone’s notebook. Or at least saved on that “Read it later” thing. But please, actually read it. Or don’t. It’s your life. You do you and I do me.

I consider myself in a very happy relationship. Don’t need to go into that too much. She’s happy, I’m happy. We are together. Mathematics normally is very hard for me, but I can assure you on this one: when 2 are happy = happy relationship.

Having said that, here’s some simple tips to make your lady happy.

  1. Eat the pussy

You gotta do that shit proudly. You gotta do that shit like your own life depends on that. Like you’re submerse on the ocean and pussy is your O2 tank. You gotta do that shit like there’s some secret eternity-juice on the pussy. It helps if you actually enjoy. If you don’t, let’s go for number 2.

2. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Pussy is amazing. Vagina, whatever. Call it how you wanna. If you don’t enjoy eating pussy, you don’t enjoy a great deal of sex life. It’s like if you… have legs, you see? But you decide to… cut them off… and stick them up your butt. That’s a man who doesn’t enjoy eating pussy. Eating pussy is a honor, not a task.

3. Foot rub

Rub those feet, it ain’t hard. Don’t be lazy. It’s fun and makes her happy. I must advise: don’t use it as something to cash for sex later. That ain’t cool. The foot massage must have a goal: make your lady enjoy a foot massage. If you’re smart enough to master massages, you can rub her foot with one hand and roll up a joint with another one. If you’re talented enough, you’ll be smoking while she peacefully sleeps after you took care of her.

It’s just something nice and super easy to do. RUB HER FOOT. Drake should do a song about that, right? R.H.F. Some shit like that.

And by the way: it often leads to sex.

4. Be the nice thing

The world is shitty. The Olympics are being hosted in Rio de Janeiro, my hometown, a place where the water is as dirty as Kanye West’s t-shirt after he fucks a model that just got her anal bleached. USA won’t elect Trump, but damn, it’s scary how close he is. Imagine this Cheetos-Face doing to the White House what that model did to Kanye’s shirt? There’s ISIS. The Gaza Strip situation, that piss me of longer than the on and off thing between Ross and Rachel. North Korea is a real place with real craziness. Slavery is still a thing — it never goes out of fashion, just like the clothes made by the modern slaves of capitalism. And it’s not only that. Your woman’s personal world is shitty too. Her boss is an asshole, men whistle at her, taxi-driver yelling shit to her. She works hard. Her family annoys the shit outta her. I am not saying that all that shit happens at the same time. But they happen. And sometimes they do happen at the same time.

That means one simple thing: you gotta be the safe spot. You gotta make sure to her that life’s cool. You can make it (at the very fucking least seem) cooler to her. Even with all that shit that’s out there that I’ve just described. You need to be a reason for her to smile when she’s home. Ask about her shit. Listen to her shit. Be her friend. It’s really important to understand that: your woman is your friend. And you don’t need to pretend that you care about your friend, right? You just fucking care. Some guys forget that shit, and see their partners as a different human being. Basically: Instead of doing that Judd Apatow-character thing of being friends to trying to date, do the inverse: date her, love her, and build a strong friendship while that. “That” would be “fucking and eating”.

5. Don’t cheat on her ass

It hurts a soul like a motherfucker when somebody you love fucks somebody else.

“What if she never find out?“

Shit gets different. It changes and damages your dynamic, cause part of it now is lying and hiding. At very best.

Usually she become suspicious and then you’re fighting because now she’s this crazy jealous girlfriend designed by you. Lotta guys fuck their girls’ brain this way.

If your girl is suspicious and asks to see your phone and you don’t allow her to do so, you know* this is not about your so precious privacy. You know you fucking somebody else or scheming to fuck somebody else.

Privacy? There’s no such thing. You know NSA, right? That’s right, you’re cheating and Obama is watching that shit ashamed.


If you have a good girl, why the fuck would you want your dick to fuck that shit up for you?

6. Eat pussy.

Just wanna make it sure.