Dying and Birth of the New You!

No one ever thinks it will happen to them. How could I possibly get cancer? I am healthy. I eat right. I am not old enough. All kinds of self-serving affirmations. You can’t possibly be a victim of something like cancer. Then one day unexpectedly, you find a lump. You assume it’s a cyst. All your friends say “oh yeah, I had one like that and it was just a cyst.” So you wait. Then you notice it getting larger and you decide you need to have it checked.

One of the scariest doctor visits you will ever have is the one to have a lump checked. First off, what kind of doctor do you go too? Your regular doctor, an oncologist, an OBGYN, who? It doesn’t matter. You are going to get the same answer from all of them, “You have a lump in your breast.” Then it happens, your life has been changed forever.

You are thrown into a whirlwind of doctors, tests, biopsies, other doctors, CT scans, EKG’s, ultra-sounds, mammograms and anything else they can possibly think might shed some light on your condition. It’s just a lump, is all this necessary?

Then there is cutting and the chemo which is a walk through hell, your hair falls out because the follicles are burned from the inside out. Your mouth becomes one large burn. You are so hungry but you can’t eat because food tastes like metal and your body rejects it. Your body begins to shut down. You are dying, while still being alive. Chemo attempts to take everything away from you that makes you human and female. It breaks you down in ways you thought you could never be broken. You cry, you beg, you ask why. Never an answer.

Then comes the “chemo lounge” sitting for five hours letting poison drip into your body in a room full of dying people just like you. It becomes a surreal experience. You have trouble believing it’s actually real at all. So barbaric but it’s saving your life. Not necessarily you but your existence on this earth as a human. There is not one day to breath, to look at things and just think. You are scared to do what they say but yet not doing is horrible. There are no good choices. You just have to do. Every doctor will tell you, “Your body, your rules.” but you might live 6 months if you don’t do what we say. There are no good decisions and during one of the most rushed, and scary times of your life you are pushed into making a decision that will change the course of your life forever.

Then, well-meaning people tell you they have found the cure for cancer. All you have to do is become vegan, take some sort of supplements, green tea, bee pollen, start smoking pot, your PH balance is off and the list goes on and on.

Then off to the surgeon you go and of course they just want to cut. That is their job, to cut off the “problems”. You want this monster out of your body as much as they want to cut it out. You can get along with prosthetic breasts until you can get new ones, until you can have a reconstruction, well sure you can its no big deal! It’s also not their body and they are not the ones that are going to be crying in fear. They are not the ones that are going to lay crying on the bathroom floor trying not to look at their flat chest where only large wounds are now. Looking at yourself becomes almost impossible. Your fear takes over and you are to afraid to even think. So you just do. A piece of you has died and the grief takes its place.

The doctors take over. You are in a whirlwind of unending fear. Afraid to not do what they say but if you don’t, they promise you nothing but a short life full of fear and pain. Also, on top of everything else, your family is pushing you one way or another. When you have cancer, your entire family has cancer. They are well meaning but ultimately you are the one that suffers every living minute with this monster called cancer.

Everything gets accepted over time. You eventually learn to adapt and slowly you become a new version of yourself. Still feeling abused. Still feeling the trauma. But you are healing. You are grieving because you have just went through a slow, agonizing death of who you have always been. Yes, it takes a year maybe more to find the new you. Maybe a lifetime for some. You have become someone you never thought you would have the strength to be. You are a warrior fighting for the right to just be you. Love to all!

Change to become.