SQUAD GOALS: A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR IMMODEST TIMES
After giving the matter some serious thought, America, I have concluded that maybe we SHOULD keep the Distraction Machine in Chief focused on football. (Yeah, yeah, he’ll do an awesome, fantastic, utterly amazing job with Puerto Rico, don’t you worry. FYI, Not An Actual State, so a lesser priority for him at the moment.) If we can just keep his mind off his pissing match with his Evil Twin in North Korea a wee bit longer, mmmmaaaayyyybe THAT whole thing will eventually calm down again for a little while, as it has managed to do over and over for the last half-century, thanks to the time honored diplomacy cocktail of empty rhetoric and short attention span.
By my calculations, the average shelf life of the Snowflake King’s Outrage Du Jour is roughly two weeks, by which point we will all have moved on to some brand-new over-the-top proclamation of his that one half of the country will think is batshit crazy while the other half praises his … uh …his … fearless ability to lower the bar on behavior in public office? Well, whatever it is they praise.
Who even knows what the next outrage will be? Bringing back school prayer and frog dissection? Government-ordered English-only menus at Taco Bell? Mandatory Christmas trees atop all remaining Confederate statues? NEW mandatory Confederate statues above the Mason Dixon line? A fight to the death between the exhumed and robot-controlled remains of Mason AND Dixon themselves? Kind of exciting when you approach it as a game, isn’t it? Stay tuned!
Lord knows the man has ONCE AGAIN successfully managed to shift the focus away from a very specific issue of real significance to large numbers of Americans and onto HIMSELF. Now, once again, HE is firmly at the center of the discussion — a discussion that really had nothing at all to do with him when it started, sort of like the entire process of democracy.
And we all let him get away with it! AGAIN! Quit blaming “the media.” They play their part in his now-daily game of “Hey! Don’t Look Over There at Russia or Health Care or My Unbuildable/Already Built Wall, Look Over HERE at MEEEEEE!!!!,” sure, but so do you and I. And yet: the worst part of it is, we CAN’T just ignore him in order to make him go away. He ain’t goin’ nowhere, because he is giving his precious “base” EXACTLY the spectacle they voted for. I’m not concerned about whether he’s going to last a full four or (shudder) eight years, I’m worried about whether WE will last that long.
You may call him a blowhard and an idiot — I’ve been doing that since the day he left Ivana for Marla — but you must admit by now that he can do ONE THING extremely well. Better than anyone else I can think of.
Sadly, Making Everything in the Country About Yourself While Constantly Deepening the Already Sharp Divisions Between Its Citizens is not one of the job qualifications for the position he currently holds, last time I checked. Then again, we already know he can’t be bothered to read ANYTHING, including the laws of the land he now governs.
This is why I hereby propose that, effective immediately, we ALL come together as a nation once again — and talk. Talk about NOTHING BUT FOOTBALL, on Facebook, on Twitter, in the comments on Kesha videos, on late night TV, on early morning TV, in the middle of reruns of Seinfeld, in the barbershop, at the grocery store, while pumping gas, in the middle of sex: FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL, until we are all sick of it. And then TALK ABOUT IT MORE!
It will be a lot like living in Buffalo, New York, so those of you who currently live there will have a head start in this marathon of pigskin punditry. But THIS TIME we’re not doing it because we care any more than we used to about Thurmatroyd Whozit’s dazzling 3rd quarter Hail Mary pass to Jaziel Merryface in the end zone (or whatever; say anything you want, it’s all jibberjabber anyway). No, THIS TIME we’ll be doing it FOR AMERICA. For the world!
Now, by talking about football, we will REALLY be talking about the President, who is his own favorite subject. We want to keep him focused on things that do NOT involve DROPPING NUCLEAR WEAPONS. On anybody! Because the funny thing about nuclear weapons is: When you drop them on someone else, no matter how justified you may think you are and may well be, THEY OR THEIR FRIENDS will probably DROP SOME BACK ON YOU.
Now, I myself will likely run out of stuff to discuss in the first five minutes, so I have prepared a cheat sheet for myself that you may feel free to adapt for your own purposes.
DO TALK ABOUT:
*How much we hate his stand on the NFL
*How much we love his stand (see, Republicans? There is TOTALLY a place for you in this! You can also be white, black, any variation in between, possess any sort of genitals you want, whatever! WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!)
*How we think HE should be required to stand ANY TIME THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED, ANYWHERE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, because after all HE should be the most patriotic of all of us.
DO ***NOT*** TALK ABOUT:
If you get tired of talking about pro football, it’s okay to pivot and talk about flags for a little while, but quickly return to football. Flag football would be the best, because it has BOTH flags AND football in it. Two birds, one stone!
Remember: THE MORE TIME HE SPENDS ON FOOTBALL, THE LESS TIME HE CAN SPEND GETTING US ALL BLOWN SKY HIGH.
Okay, everybody. Hut, hut, HIKE! (or words to that effect)
Yours, Uncle Ron
Hardcore Football Fanatic Since September 24, 2017