Your Complimentary Horoscope Predictions for 2018
By the crackling sounds of fireworks and guns going off last night, the Great Spirit has alerted me that 2017 has ended and a new, fresh year has just begun.
With all new beginnings, now is the time to find a physical quiet space within your home to reflect and meditate. Burn some sage. Light a candle. Ring a bell. Prepare a Lean Cuisine whose sauce will rise up and transform into a delicious sodium-infused crust of debauchery. This is what the first day of the brand-new year is for. That and listening to the predictions the Great Spirit has in store for you.
Capricorn: Don’t answer that call, and don’t leave the house wearing that shirt with those shoes.
Aquarius: Someone will play on your insecurities about finding love very soon. Also maybe if you didn’t eat that last taco people would love you more.
Pisces: I’m not saying the relationship is doomed, but the auto-erotic asphyxiation you’ve folded into your cuddle time is not a win-win. Also shoes.
Aries: LOL. No.
Taurus: They say the man w/ one eye is king to the blind. They also say you are pure shit. Be the shit.
Gemini: That faked miscarriage is finally going to come back to haunt you, as is stealing that identity and moving to Wales. And NO she is not into you.
Cancer: It’s terminal.
Leo: Stop buying hats. Seriously.
Virgo: Just telling everyone you’re vegan doesn’t help.
Libra: You’ll receive good news today. It’s for someone else.
Scorpio: Someone is trying too hard. Someone = you. Also shoes.
Sagittarius: I just can’t.
It’s 2018. Change is inevitable. Embrace or rebel against it, but either way your Lean Cuisine is ready.