Your Complimentary Horoscope Predictions for 2018

The Universe Has a Message For You.

By the crackling sounds of fireworks and guns going off last night, the Great Spirit has alerted me that 2017 has ended and a new, fresh year has just begun.

With all new beginnings, now is the time to find a physical quiet space within your home to reflect and meditate. Burn some sage. Light a candle. Ring a bell. Prepare a Lean Cuisine whose sauce will rise up and transform into a delicious sodium-infused crust of debauchery. This is what the first day of the brand-new year is for. That and listening to the predictions the Great Spirit has in store for you.

Capricorn: Don’t answer that call, and don’t leave the house wearing that shirt with those shoes.

Aquarius: Someone will play on your insecurities about finding love very soon. Also maybe if you didn’t eat that last taco people would love you more.

Pisces: I’m not saying the relationship is doomed, but the auto-erotic asphyxiation you’ve folded into your cuddle time is not a win-win. Also shoes.

Aries: LOL. No.

Taurus: They say the man w/ one eye is king to the blind. They also say you are pure shit. Be the shit.

Gemini: That faked miscarriage is finally going to come back to haunt you, as is stealing that identity and moving to Wales. And NO she is not into you.

Cancer: It’s terminal.

Leo: Stop buying hats. Seriously.

Virgo: Just telling everyone you’re vegan doesn’t help.

Libra: You’ll receive good news today. It’s for someone else.

Scorpio: Someone is trying too hard. Someone = you. Also shoes.

Sagittarius: I just can’t.

It’s 2018. Change is inevitable. Embrace or rebel against it, but either way your Lean Cuisine is ready.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.