The Zen of Not Giving a Fuck

I did it. Wrote a letter to the moon of my life, even though she lives a mere 5 blocks from me. My thoughts and feelings are uncoiling, easing away from the clusterfuck frenzy, and being laid to rest in present determination. I’m sitting in a dark dive, after dropping the letter by her door.

I didn’t want to text. I’m tired of texting, tweeting, facebooking, instagramming and all the vacuous “ings” in tow. A letter has a air of certainty to it. When you can touch and smell and feel something it makes more sense.

Still, I have doubts. Is there some insight I’m missing? Bereft of a compass, I move with the wind, or tides or something. There’s a burning sensation, a desire to burn every bridge, to throw it all away and start fresh. But there is no “fresh”.

I cannot outrun myself

Believe me, I’ve tried

There’s a cute bartender here, but there’s always a cute bartender. In every state, province and backwards road, there are cute bartenders. I’m a 27 year old man with a 14 year old cock. My sex drive baffles even me. I can’t think, or write about anything else. It’s about sex, or her, or sex with her, with a dash of half hearted introspection for good measure.

Honestly, I have no legitimate complaints, I’m fed and housed and mostly content. I have lived more in the last 10 years than most will ever live in their lifetime. I could write a dozen memoirs and barely scratch the surface. I am mostly at peace, which is my greatest accomplishment thus far.

So why do I want more??

Always aching, scheming, dreaming for more, more, more. Simultaneous contentment and an abiding sense of “it’s never enough”. This is what gets me up in the morning.

What are we without our ideals and dreams? We are animals driven by instinct, although most animals have an inherent dignity and self-sufficiency that us Homo Sapiens mainly lack.

There’s people dancing, fully present and fully inhabited. Joyous, racous, shamanistic.

The Zen of not giving a fuck

I absolutely recommend that everyone visit a bar alone

Just watch and absorb

Fully