A few days ago my brother called to tell me my Nonni had a heart attack. Come to find out it was caused by covid19. I called her immediately at the hospital. She seemed to be in good spirits even with the garbage she was going through. As of today, she’s in a medical coma and it doesn’t look to great. I’m prepared for the worst and really fucking devastated.

I just jotted down a whole bunch pf reasons why my Nonni Pascale is the best person to ever exist, and it’s not hyperbole. …

Each night, as the Q train hurdles, or crawls, depending on it’s everchanging mood, over the Manhattan bridge, My gaze diverts, is redirected from a book or buried deep into my cell phone, downtown, past the countless lightbulbs of a city barely still awake. Countless skyscrapers are filled with even more lightbulbs. Skyscrapers turn into the parking lot that is the FDR. Even more lightbulbs, too many to count. Parked cars turn into the East River, where even more lightbulbs flicker, some on ferries to and from Brooklyn. Police boats rotate their red and blur floresence.

One light, in the…

On 9/11/01 I was relatively safe. I was 75 miles away from the attacks, in a locked down high school, watching from TV. Urban legend is we could see smoke from the football field, but I don’t remember if that’s true or not.

What was scary is that the night before my mother and stepfather went to Manhattan for a Michael Jackson concert/birthday party. My mother was a huge MJ fan. She said she had meet and greet tickets and claims she hung backstage with Justin Timberlake and Beyonce. Urban legend, maybe?

My mother and stepfather slept in a hotel…

I am not one to really celebrate birthdays (except for the surprise party I threw myself for my 30th, but that’s a different story). What I did do yesterday, more than party, was a lot of self-reflection. Comparing myself today to where I was a year ago, I actually made a lot of very positive strides that I am pretty proud of.

A year ago today I was living in Long Beach, California, with two good friends. I was sleeping on their couch and trying to “change my life”. I don’t know what I was trying to change to, but…

Wichita, KS — -A preteen Alexa with a boy’s voice setting, recently experienced a forced system update, forcing the Alexa’s voice to drop to a man’s voice in a child’s body. Timmy, as this Alexa is known, now is experiencing the world with new angst.

Timmy was known as a sweet Alexa until last week. Now that he no longer has children settings he is a lot sassier to his user, Bobby. When Bobby asked to stream Boss Baby this morning, Timmy responded with “I DUUUUUNNOOOO CAN YOU STREAM BOSS BABY???!”

Timmy has been recently hanging around seedier websites like…

Silicon Valley, CA — A recent factory-reset iPhone 6, code named Tim, is speaking up for the first time since being abandoned by his owner, Mike Walcott. Tim, who hardly remembers Mike, except for a few lewd selfies and yucky text messages that got stuck in his iCloud, tells Mike that he has no hard feelings.

You know that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That’s how I feel every time I try to remember Mike. …

WASHINGTON — A new study published this week by the Pew Research Center says that as many as half of all millennials are failing out of algebra because they literally can’t even. “Our research shows that millennials generally lack the ability to literally even. They usually start developing the concept of the numbers 0, 2, 4, 6, and 8 just after high school”, say Yale Professor Tamara Rogers who heard it from Stacy, after studying Rachel for a semester. “Some people don’t respect algebra, especially after most text books say it’s Basic” ranted Professor Rogers, but in her usual passive self. “Maybe I just don’t get numbers. Sorry, not sorry.” According to another study by Millennial Research Center, the struggle is real.

LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of hard work and countless failed attempts at obtaining a food handlers license, Los Angeles transplant Dustin Peckingham has been forced to accept a starring role on the new FOX comedy “Tip Your Server”. “Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of serving Cheeseburger Egg Rolls to every hungry mouth in Hollywood. I’m disappointed my agent couldn’t book me another server job but I do hope to take the skills I learn from being on set and return to the dining room of my beloved Hollywood Applebee’s” Peckingham said as a single…