Testi Gnome

10 Sints* (sin 1) by Roo Bardookie

*a sint ain’t a saint

Testi Gnome

“Momma used to tell me that if I played with it too much, Testi the Gnome would come and take one of my balls.”

The psychologist just looked at his patient, with head shakes and eye rolls loaded in his brain, which he held back for the serious look of caring. He also had an outright laugh ready to go, which he would save for later at the happy hour with his other psycho friends.

“Momma would tell me that Testi could tell when a boy was playing with his privates too much, and he would relieve him of his anxiety by taking a ball.”

“But, not both?”

“No sir, just one.”

“And why do you think that was?”

“Momma would say that both of his balls were producing too much testosterone, so he had to relieve himself all the time.”

“Do you mean masturbation?”

“Yes sir.”

“So this Testi the Gnome fella came in the middle of the night and just snatched one of your balls?”

“It happened to me.”

“Are you telling me that you only have one testicle?”

“I only have one now. I used to have two, but he took the other one when I was 13.”

He took notes, and wrote that he was going to have the doctor from next door come in to take a look. Now.

art collaboration between students in quebec, canada & honolulu, hawaii

To Music:

Momma came in the middle of the night and put a handkerchief with knock out juice on it, and relieved me of ½ my manhood. Then she said for years over half drank coffee and a smudged out cigarette in her scrambled eggs, it was a testi gnome, friend of the Easter Bunny and Jesus.

The doctor confirmed that it had been surgically removed, probably with a serrated steak knife.

The doctor wrote down, that no amount of brain drugs were going to cure this ½ guy.

And yes, the sun still shines on that breakfast nook table where this surgery took place. Don’t cry for me, when I woke up later that morning, I got to watch MTV and momma made the most interesting omelette, although I couldn’t quite place the meat that was mixed with onions, green pepper, and some salsa. It was a little chewy.

I dream that he blows them up and sells them at small fundraising fairs around the rainy and sad places in the country. They hold the helium better, but he does have to pluck them clean or the jig would be up.

Roo Bardookie and a Jihane Mossalim taught art student.