The 50/50 Souls Game (story Roo Bardookie/art Jihane Mossalim)
“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight only, playing for Bill Rutherford’s soul and the rest of his eternity we have GOD and his former associate Satan in a game of wit, cunning, and yes, even deception.
They will play rock, paper, scissors. You know the rules folks, Mr. Rutherford, after living to the grand age of 86, was exactly 50/50 in good and evil deeds in his life.
So our players, in an attempt to win his soul, will do a two out of three.
We have two more games following with Kimo Lee from Hawaii, and Willy “Swift Hawk” Okeef from the Apache tribe. We have slight variations of the game with John-Canna-Poe in Hawaiian, and Fire-Blanket-Arrow for our Southwestern Native American contestants.
Remember: Fire burns arrow, arrow pokes holes in blanket, and blanket smothers fire.”
Rutherford is shaking uncontrollably, weeping, and urinating on the grand stage. God looks at him with understanding, Satan scoffs.
In a great booming voice, like you would expect God to have, he says “Rock, paper, scissors!!!!!”
God holds out a paper, and Satan has a rock.
“Damn!”, exclaims Satan in an evil, shadowy, dirty voice.
God is none too pleased, but doubles up on his concentration, which is considerable.
Rutherford see a ray of hope. He stops peeing. He looks up at God like a little puppy at its new master. God smiles, but goes back to concentrating on the game.
Satan snaps his tail in the man’s direction and it causes him to defecate right on stage. Disgusting.
Satan chuckles to himself, and through the slits of his eyes, looks at God. He is ready.
God says again, “Rock, paper, scissors!!!!”
A heavenly paper, with (oh, no), a scissor from hell.
“How you like me now?!?!” He raises his arms, and a million, million little dirty-evil minions chortle and cheer, jump around and snort with delight.
The angels are rustling their wings, but are not too perplexed. They know.
Satan comes over to Mr. Rutherford and looks him straight in the eyes, and tells him, “Rutherford, I am going to do things to you like a boy in a Turkish prison.”
The man feints, and an angel comes down and fans him with his wings. Under his breath, he says “Bastard.”
Satan chuckles again.
Both of the otherworldly entities double their concentration, bringing the power of heaven and hell to bear. Big stakes, big minds, and “nothing else matters”. Here we go.
“Why do you always get to say it?”
“Because I’m. . .” Satan finishes, “God, yea, yea, I know, but let me say it for once.”
“Rock, paper, ssss.”
God holds out his rock, Satan hesitates, and finishes, “SSSSsssscissors”. He is holding his long hand out with his black nails as sharp as great white teeth. He is smiling at the quivering jelly man Bill Rutherford. Paper beats rock. Hell beats heaven.
God looks very angry. But, resigns himself to it. The devil had stretched the rules, while stretching the word, but didn’t actually cheat.
Satan uses the back of the man’s neck skin like a kitten would get picked up. He has him in his fingers, the black nails digging in with blood running down his backbone and down his ass crack, mixing with the shit.
He throws him to his minions, and they commence to prey on him like piranha to bloody meat in the Amazon. Torn to shreds and then resurrected in body and mind like it never happened, and re-torn and reborn 1,000 times in the span of minutes. Here we go Bill Rutherford. Man you were too damn bad in them early years to overcome, even with your church going ways as a senior. Torn to shreds.
The angels are booing.