Hosiery — what a rubbish invention!!!

For most of my adult life, I have been on a mission to find the perfect pair of tights. I hate them; I mean really hate them. I hate the thin ones that you can see your legs beneath, what’s the point? I really hate flesh coloured ones, they are so ugly and you can always tell when somebody is wearing a pair. I have the way they feel on my legs and I really can’t stand the feeling when my legs rub together; that’s my ‘running your nails down a chalk board,’ it gives me the shivers, and not in a good way.

The lycra ones are the ones I hate the most, that cause the cringe sensation. So if I see a pair of woollen tights I give them a good feel in the shops and if they seem to be what I’m looking for I snap them up. But many a time, they have lured me in with their soft feel, only for me to get them home and them be ribbed, so not only can I see my legs through them, they also do NOT feel good when my legs rub together.

Then there’s the sizing. I’m a size 10, so I should be a small in tights — according to the sizing guide at least. They’re always fine on the bottom half of my legs but as soon as they pass my knees, they refuse to stretch, I can barely pull them over my hips and I feel like I’m wearing a corset for the legs. So I started to buy a size medium, perfect right? Not! Take today for instance. I picked up what looked like the perfect tight, soft feel wool they were described on the front, a size medium. Lovely on the bottom half but once again, past the knees and I couldn’t get them any further. The crotch hung down between my legs; I had to stretch them to within an inch of their life to get it to sit where it was meant, only to feel like I was walking around in a straight jacket. Off they came and into the bin they went, along with the many failures I have bought.

So I replaced these tights with a pair that my Mum had picked up for me from Aldi. On they went, lovely and soft, fitted just nicely — could I have found the perfect pair of tights at last, and from ALDI? As I got to work I was thinking about skiving off so I could nip to Aldi and buy every pair they had in store, when I looked down and saw that my ‘perfect’ tights, were bunched around my ankle, a la Nora Batty. I am not even exaggerating. All day I had to walk around with four perfect circles of tight material around my ankles. Embarrasing.

I’ve just bought myself another pair, cable knit this time. I’m thinking maybe I should just throw them in the bin now, save me the hassle of trying them on and jumping around the room trying to wedge myself in to them. No no, I’m going to be optimistic, maybe these really are the perfect pair!!!

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