Unveiling the Chasm: Understanding the Gap between Fathers and Daughters
The missing bridge between the Dad-Daughter duo
The age-old saying “Daughters love their dads the most” has been retold an infinite number of times. Maybe they were talking about ‘Unconditional love,’ where two people love each other irrespective of how they are. But, can we all agree that there are many other things that a daughter expects from a father apart from the duties he is obliged to fulfill for her?
It would be ineffable for me to describe a father’s love towards his daughter, the little time he has to spend at home, and everything he does to make his family’s dream come true. But this article is not about how great a father’s love is. This piece is to acknowledge that there are girls who feel they are deprived of paternal love. In short, it is about the “father wound”.
Allow me to illustrate a personal experience of mine as I begin this article.
The normalized missing feeling:
Those were the days when my dad would drop me off and pick me up from school. This was all and everything he could do. The days he stepped inside the school campus were either to pay fees or to attend Parent-Teacher meetings. And even those moments drifted away as I grew up.
He was too busy to attend each and every function when I performed on stage. I had become so normalized to it that I never missed his presence. It was only until he saw me performing at our 9th-grade annual day dance and kissed me right after it, that I knew what I had been missing all these years. That moment made me realize what most of the girls have always experienced, and I neglected to notice.
Dad — A girl’s first hero:
A father’s presence in a house is essential for children of both genders. However, daughters have a closer bond with their father and thus require more of his attention. He is the first man she is introduced to, and that builds an image in her mind of how men are. This plays a vital role in shaping her capabilities and confidence in engaging with men.
It becomes a tough situation for girls who grow up in an environment with no traces of their father’s admiration and engagement. As years pass, they either tend to grow as women who are in desperate need of male validation or as ones who strive to live independently without men. In either case, these women are psychologically vulnerable and may make bad decisions in life.
The kind of role model:
Instead of looking for a life partner who has the qualities of her father, these girls tend to look for a man who is contradictory to him. This doesn’t mean all such girls are from broken households and have no one to take care of them. Most fathers satisfy all their financial needs but fail to notice their daughters’ emotional needs. Later, these girls look for a man who could provide all the care of a father and also be a good husband.
Where is this leading? A random man ends up bearing the burden of that girl completely. He is expected to be her father, a partner, and also a good father for their own children all at the same time. It already hurts that a girl is looking for a man unlike her father, who is supposed to be a good role model, and this point adds another nail in the coffin.
The intensity of the “Father wound”:
The term “father wound” describes the emotional scars caused by poor parenting by fathers. Most people refer to it as “daddy issues” too. Girls who are deprived of their father’s love and support system due to early divorces, imprisonment, death, abuse, or emotional unavailability tend to experience this.
There is minimal or no conversation between the father and daughter to address this. Most girls hesitate to initiate a normal conversation with their father, and even when they do, those superficial formal conversations lead to nowhere.
Does it seem like there is nothing wrong with this? That is because we overlook the intensity of this problem and the impending consequences it carries.
What makes fathers behave this way?
In cases like imprisonment or death, it is unavoidable for the girl to feel her father’s absence. When a couple is divorced and the mother gains parental rights, this also brings up a complex situation. It is advisable that they find quality time to spend with their offspring, even though they choose to live away from their ex-spouse.
In most families, the father is the highest authority. He is given the image of the breadwinner and the guardian of the family. Women work these days, but they are also expected to be the caretaker, and the responsibility of raising the children is handed over to them. As this is not a strict norm for fathers, they tend to detach from it.
How much does a daughter normally expect from her father?
Well, there are no chances of families sitting and having a conversation about this. Let me try to figure it out through my words.
A girl expects her father to be her source of emotional stability. We expect him to listen to our opinions rather than making the final decision himself. We wish our fathers would let us live our lives rather than keep us guarded in the name of protection. No man can teach a girl how to defend herself from unavoidable circumstances better than her father.
Finding a wise man for his daughter in the future, walking with her down the aisle, and handing her over to him is not enough. Living a fulfilled life with her, encouraging her, and taking part in all her important life events is everything that a daughter needs.
Conclusion:
If you are a father reading this article, I hope these lines linger in your mind and reflect the way you behave with your child. For all the daughters reading this, I can easily say, “Send this article” to your dad or try to talk to him regarding this. But I know how difficult it could be. Even my words would barely make my father understand what I’m going through.
I just want to make you feel that you are not alone. Despite all the riches we have, we might still miss something. But I don’t want this to be the primary reason for any mess that we make in our lives. Do not make any general assumptions that all men are the same. I hope you find a spouse with whom you could have such conversations without a lump in your throat.
On the whole, you are already amazing. Never give space for this pain to obstruct all the happiness you are bound to experience. You deserve the best and more.
Sending lots of love to you.
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