Environmentalism 2.0

Or why everything you thought you knew about Environmentalism is wrong

If you think of yourself as an environmentalist, think again. If you think you care about the Earth more than yourself, think again. Because here are the Top 5 Things True Environmentalists Are Attempting Right Now, and they’re not what you think.

  1. Planetary Migrations. Earth is precious and needs to be protected before it is destroyed. We can preserve it by becoming a multi-planetary species and leaving earth altogether, or at least by substantially reducing the number of humans left on earth by migrating in large numbers to other habitable planets. The true environmentalists amongst us are building space ships to transport humans to outer space.
  2. 100% Synthesized Food. Using plants and animals as food is always going to result in intruding on their habitat and forming it to suit our needs. If we want to leave nature undisturbed and preserve the native habitats of plants and animals then we need to become reliant on completely synthetic foods; not food grown in nature, but food mined from materials fabricated from start to finish by us, or grown on synthetic substrates in isolated containers stored in caves or floating in space. Relying on other organisms for our food inevitably leads to a conflict of interests between our needs and theirs — true environmentalists are creating new kinds of food in laboratories and underground greenhouses.
  3. The Earthling Apocalypse. Human life on earth will be over soon, since Earth itself has a finite lifespan. When humans leave the Earth, either by becoming multi-planetary or via extinction, new organisms will live and thrive on earth without human intervention in the remaining epoch. If, as an environmentalist, you truly care about Earth as opposed to human beings, then there are surprisingly few things you actually need to worry about. Earth will be fine, just as soon as humans finally leave. Indeed, as an environmentalist, you should be trying to speed up the Earthling Apocalypse; since mass genocide is illegal and will land you in Earth Prison, true environmentalists are trying to make rockets, teleportation devices, space-ship-homes (see 5) or are designing machines to replace environmentally wasteful humans with ecological forms of artificial intelligence.
  4. Genetic Engineering. Because humans can operate on their own bodies with technology, they can evolve at a rate far exceeding the natural rate of evolution of other animals. To be environmentally friendly we need to collectively agree to evolve the features of an environmentally friendly organism. Instead of improving other technologies in order to make them more efficient, we can literally improve ourselves in order to counteract the environmental damage caused by the “original” humans. True environmentalists are engineering themselves to become environmentally optimal organisms.
  5. Multiple Virtual Lives. As technology evolves our capacity to lead rich and fulfilling virtual lives, even multiple virtual lives, will become a reality, so that the well-being and happiness of humans can be contained within a virtual machine. These machines will alleviate the need for humans to take up space on Earth, or any other planet for that matter. Caring about Earth and being a true environmentalist impels us to become a space-faring species, forever travelling through the universe but never landing on another planet. Instead, we would live our lives within the confines of a spacecraft, plugged into a simulation of our favourite dreams.

Thanks to Peter Kareiva, Alex Steffen, Jon Christensen and Paul Kingsnorth for their bold and novel explorations of environmentalism.

Fictional Accounts of Alien Life — Artistic Exploration of Ideas only — Please don’t take offence, thank you!