An Open Letter to My Inner Child
Mama and Papa will not be happy if you kill yourself.
I know they scream and fight a lot. I know everything changed since you moved across the country. I know how often you think of the scissors that sit quietly in the kitchen drawer…And I know how desperately you long to take their pain away.
You are only four years old, and I am here to let you know that your life is NOT a burden.
There will be pain. There will be suffering. Items will be thrown, tears will stream down your face, and you will question, “What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?”
Papa will look to you for help. Mama will distance herself away.
This lack of love will make your heart bleed. You will grow up quiet and reserved. You will begin to hate every cell of your being. You will push friends and lovers away. You will scream at the top of your lungs — the same way they screamed at each other.
You will think of the scissors again. One day it will be a blade. Another, the cars zooming through the freeway. Maybe a jump off your balcony? How many pills does it take to…
And one terrible day you will f*ck up so bad, that mama tells you, “You are a demon.” Papa will desperately confess that he’s given up — on you.
Right? Why you?
Why did you so ignorantly allow the hands of a man 7 years older than you caress your body and whisper secrets of love and passion? Why did you finally open your heart for it to end in police reports and victim brochures?
And why did the two people who you were supposed to love and protect you the most…hate you for it?
Why? Why? Why?…
Because you are strong.
Because you are kind. Because you are whole. Because you are worthy. Because you are loved and you are love. You are light. You are beauty. You are everything.
Your suffering will soften your heart. Your hopelessness will guide you to your inner light. Your confusion will inspire deep reflection and discovery.
For every person you push away, you will challenge yourself to transform and heal. You will create stronger and more intimate relationships than ever before.
For every time you were silenced and invalidated, you will learn to create with words, images, and art. Your expressions will become a reflection of the universe. Your truth will shine so bright that others will see you as a window to their own souls.
You will blossom, young one.
You will travel, you will love, you will dance, you will laugh, and you will play.
But most of all, you will lead. You will heal the generational pain and trauma that runs through your ancestry. You will turn to Mama with compassion and forgiveness. You will carry the weight off of Papa’s shoulders.
You will make their dreams come true. You are their hope — not their burden. Most importantly, you are the hope for a lot of people.
Killing yourself will not take anyone’s pain away. Refusing to shine your light will.
Don’t cry, little one. Don’t be afraid. Let your suffering soften your heart and open your soul. Let it connect you to the world around you.
The more you speak your truth, the more others will follow. So many of us suffer, but you are strong enough to find a way.
You will make an impact. You do matter.
You are safe. Remember? You are whole. You are going through this because you are strong enough to.
You are the Universe, and I love you.