An Ode To Seltzer That’s Partially A Neg

Like everyone else these days, I like seltzer. It’s almost a requirement if you’re within a certain age bracket. But the thing is, I don’t love the “cool” seltzer, the on trend seltzer, the seltzer that for some reason has been made into a cake. If given the option, I’ll choose Canada Dry. Personally, I think it’s better — the flavors, if you can call them that, are just a bit bolder, and they don’t taste diet-y. You know, that aspartame flavor that for some reason reminds you of your weird aunt, even if you don’t really have a weird aunt.

But still, as with all seltzers, you have to chase those flavors to even catch a hint. You have to take big gulps of the fizzy stuff and chase it around in your mouth, just to get an aftertaste that’ll leave you wondering, “Was that real, or did I imagine it?” You have to conjure up the flavors you think you should be tasting in your mind and hope that they manifest themselves in your mouth. Your brain and tongue have to work together if you want to convince yourself you’re getting the nuances of pomegranate cherry, or lime, or mandarin — whatever dream fruit it is you’ve been sold (please, God, not coconut).

It’s a beverage that makes you work, and as we drink it, it creates a distraction from the shit that’s going on around us. It distracts us from the presidential election, from the news, from our messed up relationships, from the unread emails on our phone. Seltzer is the opiate of the masses. Having a fight with your significant other? Pop open a seltzer, expend brain energy looking for flavor that’s barely there. Problem solved. Brain numbed. Laid off from work? Pour a glass of fizzy bubbles, spend your night convincing yourself it’s an orange soda. Crisis averted. See what I mean? We have flavors to taste!

That’s why it’s the perfect beverage for 2016. Because 2016 has been a huge, huge disappointment —nay, a crushing blow to our egos, our hearts, and our spirits— and we’re all looking for something to distract us. We need something to help us look away from the veritable trash fires that threaten to burn us at every turn, and who cares if it comes in the form of grapefruit-flavored bubbly water?

We need something to help us put our phones down and tune out our loved ones and our bosses, but only just for a second, because we can’t afford to drop the ball. We can’t afford to take a real vacation from the news cycle, because we all know that if we do, we’ll return to more unread emails and text notifications than we had before. The world doesn’t stop just because we do— so our distractions need to be very, very temporary. Seltzer is temporary, and after we’ve indulged, we wonder if the experience even existed at all.

So seltzer, thank you for coming to our rescue. I like you a lot, I’m just not sure it’s for the reasons you might’ve hoped.