Depression can make it hard for us to celebrate, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t trying

Since I’ve moved to New York, a lot of changes have happened in my life, and many of them have been good. However, I’ve also experienced huge spikes in my depression and anxiety, and that’s made it hard to celebrate these good things. I’m actually coping pretty well right now, but part of that is because I’ve developed a system, including taking medication, to conserve my energy. Another part of that system includes recognizing that I only have so much within me on any given day for other people before I need to be alone. Because of this, I often dread the question, “What are you doing after work?” because 9 times out of 10, the answer is the same — and that answer is, “Cuddling with my dogs and boyfriend while we watch TV.” I also usually need one full weekend day to recharge in a similar manner before I can be ready for the work week again.

One of my closest friends, God fucking bless her, is always wanting to celebrate me. Every time I text her with the smallest bit of good news, her response is, “We should celebrate!” It’s ridiculously sweet, and I love her for it — I know that part of it is because she’s an incredibly hard worker and we don’t see each other often, and she is looking for a reason to have fun and let loose, but another part is because she’s truly proud and happy for me, and it makes me smile whenever she says it. But another part of me is sad every time, because lately, I just don’t have it in me to celebrate. My celebratory energy, if you will, is mostly depleted by the end of the day, after I’ve worked and done the normal things it takes to be a human.

I still have celebratory words, and can talk or text forever about my own or a friend’s accomplishments, so long as I can do so from a comfortable place and in comfortable clothes (my preference — in bed, wearing my hooded bathrobe, with my dogs at my side). But to actually get up, make myself look presentable, brave public transportation, and likely talk loudly over bar patrons, all after working all day? I just can’t bring myself to go through those motions that often, and I wish I could.

This is not me being snobby, or thinking my time is worth more than the time of my friends — I don’t see my friends often enough, and I turn down more invitations than I’d like. I was once accused of thinking I was better than other people because of the frequency with which I said “no” to things by a couple of people back in California, though they never actually asked me what was wrong — they thought I was snubbing them because I often turned down invitations to go out. If I did show up at the bar, I usually wouldn’t drink, which they also took offense to; they thought I was judging them. The truth was, at the time I was depressed because I’m predisposed to depression anyway, and at the time my dad was dealing with health problems — I was also starting Topamax and didn’t like the way that drinking on the drug made me feel. No one asked; they just talked shit about me when I wasn’t around.

It was because of this experience that I withdrew for a while; I was scared that I would offend people if I went out but didn’t drink, or hung out but left early, or somehow just wasn’t fun enough. I thought that moving to New York would be a fresh start — and for the most part, it was — but I also found myself scared to turn down invitations, lest the cycle start all over again and people think that my taking care of myself was a reflection on my desire to hang out with them. It’s been a journey, finding a balance here, and I’m finding my voice in my new friendships. I am learning that I simply need to speak up and let the people I’m developing relationships know that I need the night to myself when I do, but that it’s truly because I’m not feeling up to it, and that we’ll find time later. My friend Jaimee and I often reschedule on each other for similar reasons, and whenever she cancels on me and expresses how sorry she is, I always tell her, “It’s okay! I’m planning on being friends with you for a long, long time.” And that’s the truth — I’m hoping these new friendships last a while in the general scheme of things, and that one canceled plan because I’m not feeling up to it won’t make or break the relationship.

It starts to sound a bit cliche when we say it, but there’s never enough time in each day for all that we want and need to do. It’s something everyone thinks, regardless of whether they’re dealing with depression, anxiety, or if they’re not able-bodied or don’t have enough energy as others. We gripe about how, at the end of the day, there isn’t enough time to see our friends, to prepare healthy meals, go exercise, and so forth, and we talk about the other things that take up our time — our commute, our work, family time, exercising and making ourselves look good, etc. For those of us who don’t often feel our emotionally healthy, for whatever reason, these things that take up our time often take up more of it, and it can be harder to get ramped back up for the exciting parts of life once we’ve used our energy on the small details. We want to celebrate — we really do — but sometimes, we just truly don’t have it in us.

Friends, please trust that we love you, and we appreciate you sticking by us and wanting to celebrate our successes — just know that sometimes, life can be hard even when it’s good, and we’ll be there to celebrate with you the second we feel back on top again.