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God and I — The search for an intimate connection

For as long as I can remember, I have longed for an intimate relationship with God…

Maybe I was a lonely child…

Maybe I was just weird…

I don’t know…

I just know I was hungry…

I had read through the whole bible by about 6/7
Gave my heart to Jesus behind a very stinky bus (everyone wee-ed there!) because I felt empty inside when I was about 9…
Was wondering about whether to be a nun or something by about 10…
Was too scared to hum a non-christian song because the wrath of the Lord and his people would come down on me like a ton of bricks… by 11…
Was weeping my eyes out as I read about the passion of the Christ when I was about 12 or so…
Asked lots of questions and started to be uncertain about being Catholic but my parents would have killed me so I stayed with it, by 12 as well…
Led a mini-revival and a choir at school by 13/14…

All in my quest to know Him more…

There were so many rules though…

So many people telling me how things SHOULD be done and I thought I had to listen to them so I never quite got the closeness I desired…

And then I lost my way at 15 a little when I left school and suddenly realised I looked not too bad and boys started noticing me…

Innocently led a few along for about 2 weeks before they all started grossing me out- they wanted more than I was prepared to give and frankly they were just so needy… (Was just telling my princesses that the only dude who lasted longer than 2 weeks was their dad and yep, it must have been a match made in heaven!)

And then I came to the UK, remained Catholic but my heart felt out of place with it…

I wanted relationship not rituals…

I finally realised my parents were not in sight and I was the only one that had to answer for my life so I left and joined a church with people who hugged me and cared about me…

They changed my life — No one had hugged me before…

I suddenly realised that God was supposed to be love…

The unfortunate thing was that I was female and there were certain things I could not do as a female… BUT THEY LOVED ME!

And so I tried to make it all make sense…

And it did for a while until I realised that I felt God must consider me some kind of second class citizen if He gave me all these desires to do big and amazing things and then put me in a female body — I MEAN WHAT THE HECK WAS HE THINKING?!

As tends to happen to me, I start to get vocal abotu what I really think because I can only keep it down for so long…

I was allowed to do a few more things but some did not like it…

And then… the conversation which always seems to happen to try and bring me back in line…

I decide ‘Neh’ — there must be more to God than this…

And then I walk into another church where I immediately spot females doing the things that I dreamt of doing and WOW!!!! how amazing!

I love it…

I get drawn into it…

Unfortunately, as with most human organisations, there are rules and hoops and I think I have to jump them in order to get close to God and also to do the things my heart longs for…

I get to jumping…

Jump, jump, jump but I can never seem to jump high enough…

And then I read ‘THE SHACK’

And it shook me…

Finally, FINALLY someone talked of the love I always knew was possible but I had never experienced, not properly and I realised that YES, there really was more…

I realised that GOD DID LOVE ME…

No hoops to jump through…

No special methods that I had to pray to Him in the prayer meetings…

No in-between person to tell me what was right or wrong…

And I had to walk away from church, for a while…

I had to rediscover me…

I had to go back to being that 6 year old who just longed to KNOW HIM, to SIT IN HIS LAP, to be loved by HIM…
No more rules…
No more ‘This is the way you HAVE to pray, if you are a good enough Christian’
NO MORE HOOPS!
No judgement…
Just relationship…
Just intimacy…
Just love…

I don’t really know why I started to write this…

Something about you never having to jump through hoops anymore to be accepted…

Something about God loving you, just the way you are…

Something about not listening to anyone trying to tell you what you can or cannot do with your life…

Something about there being no mistake about you or the dreams in your heart…

Something about going straight to Source rather than believing the middle men who are also just trying to find their own way…

Definitely a reminder that you are loved, no matter how quirky you may be…

No matter what the spiritual guru in your life may think of some of your choices…

No need to hide yourself…

No need to be afraid either…

You are accepted just as you are…

And yep, the truth really does stand up to scrutiny so don’t just accept what ‘they’ say as gospel truth — GO DIRECTLY TO SOURCE and take off your coloured spectacles of how things SHOULD be done…

You may be surprised at what you hear…

And you may well be freed to do more of the things you long to do when you realise that no one is waiting to stick you in hell fire for all eternity…

There is just love…

Powerful, life-changing love.

And like I said before, GOD IS LOVE and anyone who made you feel otherwise is an idiot

Much Amazing Love

Rosemary Nonny Knight