Leaked video of Marvel’s plans for Phase Four!

Don’t ask how I got this, just enjoy it. Yes, breathless Marvel fans, here it is — a stunning HD version of that blurry trailer that recently leaked detailing the studio’s plans for the next phase of their ever-growing cinematic universe. Stop reading now, enlarge to full screen and soak up every glorious frame!

Okay, wipe the drool off your keyboard and take a second to collect yourself. Ready? Now let’s get into what this all means for the future of cinema.

Red Velvet

First up, all those who tweeted they thought they briefly saw Vivian Vaughn on the street from that overhead blimp shot in Avengers: Age of Ultron were right! Velvet is alive and kicking in the MCU and set to head up her own film. It’s likely an origin story, meaning we won’t get to see Mandelbrot or Ghor yet, but just the thought of seeing Red Velvet wielding those daggers is enough to thrill any comic geek. Already can’t wait for 2019!

Icepack: Origins

It’s official! That Icepack project Marvel’s been developing for over a decade is finally on the schedule! No official word on casting, but I’m holding out hope for Jake Gyllenhaal. Imagine those steely blue eyes as the freezodium takes over his bloodstream and he screams “Cool Down!”

War Thunder: Thunder War

Yes! Already hinted at in very small print during the credits of Netflix’s Daredevil (right after the show’s Color Consultant), the Thunder War has begun! War Thunder’s costume will certainly need updating (the last time we saw him, his armor had not only nipples but also a navel and pit hair). And the storyline almost assures that we’ll get to see Chupacabra, Night Terror and possibly X-Face.

Tiger-Mom

One of Marvel’s more unusual characters at first doesn’t seem like a great fit for a film adaptation. After all, a 47-year old mother of three with high blood pressure and a heart murmur isn’t everyone’s idea of big box-office. But throw in unprecedented powers of motivation and mind-control, and you’ve got yourself a force to be reckoned with. Look for hints teasing a team-up with Kha Rah-Mohl — a.k.a. the Shrunken Shaman (who is possibly getting his own show as part of that four-series deal with Paypal?)

Stranger Danger

Twin souls united as one powerful being, the combination of Jack Danger and Max Stranger together make one of the most complicated and fascinating characters in the Silver Age. Rumor says British heartthrob Derrick Campbell-Mills has been practically begging to play both halves of the duo for years.

The Comptroller: First Quarter

Vin Diesel! Vin Diesel! Please let it be Diesel! He’d be absolutely perfect as the legendary and fearsome “Accountant of the Cosmos,” AND he’s said in interviews that he’s “up for anything Marvel asks” and that “he just likes to work.” As far as plot goes, some are already theorizing that the character will be revealed as David Stock’s father, but real fans know that storyline would conflict with the Audit Crusade. I think we’re more likely to see Comp fighting Kalculus or maybe even Mr. Fussbudget.

The Astounding Icepack: Year One

I guess the execs at Marvel already know something about the upcoming Icepack: Origins that we don’t, because they’re already scheduling a reboot. Boy, nothing gets past these guys! Hard to say which version I prefer, because right now I’ve only seen the logos, but “Astounding Icepack” certainly sounds more fun. Once again, call Gyllenhaal! Unless he sucked in that last one, in which case, forget it!

Judge Judgement

Of course the immediate question on everybody’s mind is: which Judge Judgement? Is it the classic Hank Atkins? Or will we see the era when Milos Milonas wore the robes? Or (god forbid) the terrible Francis “Ducky” Templeton years? My money’s on Milos with a nod to a Hank Atkins predecessor. Either way, it’ll be great to see the Mighty Gavel in action. Small independent movies can go straight to hell! Marvel blockbusters forever!

Dr. Deception, D.D.S.

I called it! I told everyone this was coming when that leak from A.K.A. Jessica Jones teased a glimpse of a pre-Human Vacuum Derrick Pyle. Whomever they cast better sign a contract for at least fifteen films because I’m all in for the adventures of the mightiest and most mysterious orthodontist in Woodside, Queens!

Spatula

Wait a second. Red Velvet, Dr. Deception, and now Spatula? Is Marvel building up to a team-up of The Detractors? Maybe sometime around 2026? Sign me up! I wasn’t planning on accomplishing much this next decade anyway!

The Jeffersons

Of course, real Marvel fans know that the characters of George and Louise Jefferson from the beloved Normal Lear sitcom were first introduced to the world as J. Jonah Jameson’s new neighbors in Amazing Spiderman No 135. But I’ll bet no one suspected they’d re-join the Marvel universe for a feature anytime soon. The bigger question is how does this fit in the greater Marvel story? I’m glad they kept the classic logo, but why is it above a planet? Are the Jeffersons in space? Did they accidentally find their way to the Counter-Earth of Spiderman Unlimited? Lotta questions here.

Rabbi Killerman

Hmmm, it’s curious why Marvel would make a solo film of the controversial rabbinical scholar charged by a vengeful God to purge society’s sins, particularly when fans are clamoring for a solo of say, The Hulk, Wombat, or Black Eye. And you’d think a comic this blasphemous and gorey would have to be Marvel’s first R-rated feature, which Disney’s been reluctant to try because of the toy deals. They shouldn’t worry, because I will be first in line to buy bloody shofars for my nephews! Mazel-Tov Marvel!

Icepack Begins: Dawn of the Restart

Yeah, after that underwhelming Icepack: Origins and that even worse reboot, it’s about time we restarted the franchise to finally reflect the dark, gritty feel of the later comics! Can’t wait to see this new version, which already looks poorly lit, stripped of all color, and full of noisy drone music! And forget about Gyllenhaal. He never seemed right for the role anyway. 2023 can’t come soon enough!

The League of Women Voters

If Guardians of the Galaxy worked, then why not try The League! Writer/director Nancy Meyers slaved away developing a version for years that Marvel shelved (apparently her vision was not enough “space epic” and too much “rich white people in really expensive kitchens”). Forget her. Marvel doesn’t need auteurs. The corporate model is doing fine by me!

The Penultimates: Before Armageddon — Part III of IV

The announcement that broke the internet! Here’s my thought process as those two words hit the screen.

— Yes, Oh God Yes. Finally! This makes up for everything wrong with today’s world: ISIS, climate change, income inequality, cops out of control — all is forgiven now, as long as we’re blessed with Marvel’s amazing Phase Four finale. We’ve seen none of these characters yet, so I’m sure they’re going to slowly tease glimpses of Fireplace, Rabid Fox, Dr. Funktopus, and Saturated Man as the years drag on, the aches and pains of age become more apparent, and it slowly dawns on me that I’ve wasted my life on empty fandom, but who the hell cares because Saturated Man! SATURATED MAN for chrissakes!

— And that’s all before the reveal of the subtitle. Holy Christ on a Platter, it’s the Before Armageddon storyline! That means Sunshower, the Seeker Talisman, Project C.L.A.W.?!?! I may die of anticipation. If my loved ones find me dead on my couch, it’s not from poor lifestyle choices. Trust me, it’ll be from anticipation.

— But what’s this? Fine that it’s in four parts, that makes sense — (there’s a lot of story there). But they’re starting with part three?!?! Like Episode IV: A New Hope-style? With two prequels?!? Must… watch… now… Want… more…

Final Thoughts:

— DC better step up their game. I mean, Count Chaos? Cro-Magnon Man? Really?

— Boy, they really hate Namor, don’t they?

— But what about Phase Five?! WHAT ABOUT PHASE FIVE!?!

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