Hi, Tom! You are an excellent writer! I love the way you are able to express yourself so articulately. I am happy to see that you have found a way to convey your thoughts outwardly instead of keeping them all bottled up. I guess that’s why I keep a journal. I tried to write a “book” this past year. It didn’t turn out well. All those horribly painful thoughts and memories were so overwhelming then; even more so as I recounted them.
I thought if I would write the book that I would “get over” the negative thoughts about myself, etc. The reverse was true when I realized that I was always a commodity to my families. Despised for being different. Not fitting in. Isolated. Not included in the childhood games and so forth. The list is much longer than I care to go into. Too exhausting. And most importantly, who cares?
But a couple of things did come out of the experience. While I was recalling one event another would crop up. I could remember words spoken, the atmosphere and attitudes. Soon, several truths were revealed to me. These were truths that I had hidden from myself because of their painfulness. Two persons that I had trusted with my life were my most wicked betrayers. One other wasn’t as wicked, but, a betrayal is a betrayal all the same. There were more, of course, but I could resolve my issues with these. Pain is pain and it still hurts.
I have always felt alone. Tolerated. Pacified in some instances. I’m not truly anti-social. I just keep people at arms’ length. This way I can pick myself up again when the bottom falls out of a relationship. I subscribe to allowing people to come and go in and out of my life as they choose. No questions asked. I accept that we all individually have a path to follow and there are times when certain ones will walk a short distance with us while others may travel a longer distance. Yet, there is no one human I will lean on completely.
I have had many mentors over the years that have helped me sort things out at various times during my life. For that period of time, their advice and direction have proved helpful and appreciated. Then the time comes to evolve.
In order to evolve we may have to loosen our grip on beloved outlooks in order to embrace other potentials. It can be very frightening. But it can be done. There may be times when we have to walk alone in order to access our very deepest, most frightening and insidious thoughts.
Very few people realize how much courage this really takes. Looking into one’s own soul and seeing the darkness there can be a damning experience. Not many are willing to go that far to discover where a change may be needed in ourselves. As imperfect humans, not one of us owns a clean slate.
One thing that has helped me is to visualize that slate filled with all of those condemnatory statements about myself. Who wrote those words anyway? Did they have the right? Are those words still valid? Or, were they ever valid?
Next I imagine that I have an eraser in my hand. With one swipe I am able to alter the appearance of that slate. Oh look! I have a piece of chalk in my other hand. What shall I do with it? For every negative word or statement I choose to insert a positive and accurate assessment of myself. Sometimes I may have to erase it again to make sure I “spelled” it correctly. The point is, nothing is written in stone. As long as we live and breathe, we can evolve.