I am Enough.

I learnt something intriguing recently. I am enough.

What lead to this? Is this post about a journey of self discovery where I saw the light at the end of the tunnel ? Sorry guys — No, its not.Recently, a conversation with a person I love the most, made me ponder about how you grow as a person. She is my best friend and family. She inspires me the most. And she told me, I have changed. She misses the person I was five years back. I don’t share or talk in detail. Well, this called for a self introspection. Because she matters a lot to me and everything she says is extremely important.It comes from the right place.

So what happened to me these five years? After my final school exams, things went downhill.IT WAS CATASTROPHE. I lost my grandfather. I guess if you had been following my blog, you would have by now realised my attachment to him. For others, to put it in simple terms, he was everything. My grades were a huge disappointment to my family. My father almost disowned me and decided that I am not going to make it in life. Also, to add to all of that I lost someone else who was more than a best friend to me. I did not know why it was a huge deal for me. I didnt know what value that person held until he walked out. I also feel extremely bad that I didn’t appreciate the worth of the person when he was an integral part of my life.

Then College happened. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Trust me, I liked Chemical Engineering. I didnt like the people assosiated with it. They treated me like a lowlife bimbo who can’t do shit. Well, did I prove them wrong. It wasn’t all so bad though. I had amazing friends who supported every decision I made and stopped me in my tracks when it was a bad call. I have never had a fall out with any of them or anyone not liking me — that was in school. I was mostly not expecting the events that happened post school.( My college dramas are going to be released as a book in 2050)

OH my. Was college the stark opposite. I had two major fall outs, a bad dating experience and had to accommodate space for blast from the past moments. It was too much to digest.It took a piece of me. A lot of changes and many,many misunderstandings made me realise that at some point, you will be alone. At that moment, coming up for air and realising that you’re okay by yourself is very important. Everyone leaves at some point. And that is not their fault. Time and Distance plays out and you need to put on your game face and probably slap on some red lipstick. Because you’re enough. You have changed, grown and still havent figured who you want to be. That’s okay. Do not be hard on yourself to be something. It’s okay to be a puzzle. It’s okay if you’ve built walls around you.

You know how you feel that your best friend would never let you down? Will you imagine her saying Roshni, I want to believe you but I don't know. That person questioning your integrity — its baffling right? Well, when this is all over, you need to pretend like its okay. You need to pretend like it didnt crack you. You need to listen to others saying you dont know what she went through. Listen, Pretend and do whatever you want.You pretend because you don’t want them to hear your insides crumbling down.But stop worrying about whether the other person believes in you and the person you are. Because you are enough. Probably it will never be the same. But dont hold that weight in your heart. People wont accept you for what you are. And thats okay. You need to accept that. You don’t need validation from anyone in this world on what you should be.

We are still figuring this out. We are all still dreaming. We are all still fighting internal battles. We are still wanting to be heard. But guess what? That’s okay. It is okay to have changed and be someone else. Let the rest of the world figure out how to handle your changes. We might be anything but perfect. But being rough around the edges, is not a bad thing. I am enough. I am happy with what I have grown into. I am happy with the mistakes I made. Because I am a better soul today than yesterday and will be better tomorrow. Even on bad days, I am enough. Even on days when the sun is shining out of your arse, I am enough.