The Real Story Behind the 2016 Election Hack

Ever since the fateful evening of November 8th, 2016, a myriad of facts, non-facts, and “fake news” have circulated the web. Stories about email servers, DNC corruption, and pizza-centric pedophilia rings abound to this day. While much of the coverage surrounding the 2016 election is mired in a haze of doubt, one fact, seemingly above all others, rang true: Russia hacked the 2016 election. How exactly did they, the Russian populace as a whole, go about doing this? No one knows. Where is the evidence? We haven’t seen it yet, but the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) says they have proof, so there you go. At the end of the day, you cannot deny an objective truth: Russia hacked the general election and installed Donald J. Trump as their puppet leader. No one could ever debate this, right?

Wrong.

Russian President and former Hacker-in-Chief Vladimir Putin

Upon further examination, some cracks in the “Russia hacked the election” theory begin to show. Why would Russia, a similar late-capitalist state where ethnic and sexual minorities are targeted by governmental and non-governmental forces alike, want to take down America? Since that whole Cold War debacle, we’ve been nothing but the best of friends. It just doesn’t make sense. We’ve engaged in neo-colonial wars the world over with the Russian Federation. Why would they just turn their backs on us like that?

My point is, it’s time to lay the blame for the screw-up that was the 2016 election where it belongs. There is one group, and one group only, that can be held responsible.

This isn’t easy to admit. I’ve been a registered Democrat since 1981. My first job out of college was interning for the Walter Mondale campaign before his devastating, tragic loss in 1984. Ten years later, I sacrificed my first-born son to the unholy lord Bael to ensure Bill Clinton’s victory. I’ve been invested in liberal politics for as long as I can remember, so what I’m about to say is incredibly heartbreaking.

It’s not Russia’s fault that Drumpf (Haha! I called him Drumpf, did you see that? That’ll show him) won the election. Putin didn’t have anything to do with it, Naryshkin didn’t have anything to do with it, not even the reanimated corpse of Vladimir Lenin was involved in any way. Politics is about accountability, and it’s time the real people responsible for Hillary’s defeat were held accountable.

I’m talking, of course, about the Moon People.

Yes, I know. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But it’s true.

Think about it: who else would want to undermine the rigid security of American democracy? One of those Latin American states whose legitimate governments we helped dissolve in order to install our own pro-West dictator? Hahahaha, no.

It was the Moon People.

The Moon People, for those who don’t know, live in a large network of de-centralized underground communes. Their economy is mostly a gift-based one, where the fruits of production are freely shared amongst those who need them. Given this seemingly-utopian way of being, it is only natural that the Moon People would want to interfere with our glorious capitalistic paradise.

“But how?” you may be naively asking. The answer is simple, if you know a thing or two about politics. Using a sophisticated system of mirrors, lasers, and tubes, the Moon People were able to hack into the Democratic votes, and beam them into the Republican side. Do this enough times, and one party’s sure victory becomes their utter ruin. This would account for Clinton’s three-million vote lead over the Creamsicle-in-Chief (Get it?! Because he’s orange haha). The votes were counted going into the Democrat’s Vote Box, but when Election Day had come and gone and the votes were being tallied, those Clinton Votes were now in the Republican’s Box.

Rare Leaked Photo of Moon People’s Moon Laser

So there you have it. It’s not Russia’s fault. It was the Moon People. With this new information, we can actually attempt to remedy this issue, and safeguard our democracy against future Moon People interference. Most importantly, we can be secure in our belief that the Democratic Party, Hillary Clinton, and the millions of milquetoast centrists who are afraid of actual change, remain blameless.