Comparison Really Is The Thief Of Joy

For the longest time, statements such as “don’t compare yourself to others; only to your previous self”, and “comparison is the thief of joy”, felt like damage control.

What do I mean by damage control in this situation?

Well, I mean they felt more consolatory than practical or of resolution.

The advice felt like someone was trying to cheer me up — control the damage, if you will — by saying, “hey, being unsuccessful isn’t so bad. You shouldn’t compare yourself to people who are successful — you run your own race in life”.

Then, in the next instant, the same person would be congratulating the person I’m comparing myself with, telling them how happy they are for them and how proud they are of their accomplishments.

Actions don’t lie, after all. How can you trivialise success in one breath, and extol it so fervently in the next? Surely being unsuccessful is a pretty bad position to be in, then?

Success is worthy of praise, for sure.

When someone close to me achieves something, I am sure to express my happiness for them.

However, sometimes when I do not achieve “success” like others do, I feel down on myself. I didn’t feel jealous of others, but frustrated and disappointed that I could not achieve the equivalent for myself.

This comparison has to stop

After a recent, lengthy period of feeling down on my luck, I decided enough was enough.

I figured I would commit myself to becoming more stoic; learning to internalise the pitfalls of comparing oneself to others. I am not quite out of the woods yet, but I have accepted that comparison really is the thief of joy.

Through this discovery, I have cultivated a list of reasons as to why comparing yourself to others is unfair and an exercise in disappointment. I will explore them in greater detail throughout the article.

I have identified them as:

1. There are too many variables factoring into success for yourself and others
2. You do not know the full story: is everything really as it seems?
3. Another’s success is not a comment on you as a person or your “lack of success”
4. External validation is not a solid foundation for wellbeing: you should internally validate yourself instead
5. You cannot be the best at everything, so for this very reason you should not strive to be better than others
6. Comparison is frequently done negatively, not positively: which is why you should generally refrain from it

I am passionate about furthering the idea that comparison is the thief of joy.

Espousing this idea is not damage control, nor is it merely consolation for the unsuccessful: it is one of the most valuable pieces of advice you could ever implement into your life.

This is for me, and many others, who can’t help but compare themselves to others from time to time. We all deserve to feel happy and accomplished, and I hope this article can provide headway for that.

Without further ado, point number one:

There are too many variables factoring into success for yourself and others

When we compare ourselves to others, we often assume several things:

1. Both of us are on “equal footing”
2. Both of us have had the same life experiences
3. Both of us have had the same opportunities; the same “luck”

But is this a fair comparison?

Are we on equal footing, really?

Firstly, consider these questions with respect to the people you see online or in the media. If you spend a lot of time on social media — where the top 1% of people are depicted heavily — then you will start to feel like being among the top 1% is normal, and you will feel like you have fallen short.

But being in the top 1% isn’t normal, by definition. Part of the battle is realising that social media curates the top 1% — or even the top 1% of the top 1% — and that most people are “average”, so to speak. So, the comparison is not fair.

Secondly, consider this point with respect to the people we know personally: our peers. This tendency towards familiarity is why the people we compare ourselves to the most are typically friends, peers, former classmates, and so on.

This is especially insidious, because we have good grounds for assuming that we’re on similar footing: same school, similar classes, similar upbringings, etc.

Even in these environments, however, there are too many variables to account for.

Consider these, for example.

Did they have the same:

• Upbringing
• Genetics
• Connections
• Life experiences
• Natural advantages/disadvantages

as you?

Even though they are your peers, chance are they do not.

The comparison with peers is a big insecurity. When we speak of fears, we think of those surrounding spiders, snakes, heights, job interviews, death, right? Well, I’ll let you in on one of my greatest fears:

Bumping into someone I used to go to school with.

It’s not because I’m uninterested in talking to them. It’s not because I’m anti-social. It’s because at some point, I fear the comparisons will inevitably come pouring in. I fear the topic will shift with a simple question of, “so what are you doing with your life at the moment?”, and I will tell them, and then listen to all of the things they’ve accomplished.

But here’s the thing about that:

1. This rarely happens.
2. People aren’t harshly judging you. Not even close. If they are, then they’re the problem, not you.
3. People frequently try to keep up with appearances, so they will speak of themselves in a favourable light. Heck, I even do it myself.

In actuality, I don’t like asking people what they “do for a living”. In fact, I hate that phrase. In conversation, my go-to is, “what do you like to do for fun?”. If I meet someone new — particularly at a meet-up event — I’ll throw a curveball and ask them a unique question such as, “what superpower would you have if you could select one?”

Credits to the person that inspired me to ask people that.

But back on topic. Essentially, what I am saying is that even if you think you are comparing yourself fairly to others — like your peers — you are probably not.

Think of it like the butterfly effect: which small decisions in your past changed the course of your future forever? You’ll never know. And with that in mind, what small decisions can you make today that will shape your future?

You’ll never know. The comparison is unfair.

Point number two:

You do not know the full story: is everything really as it seems?

Like with a multitude of variables, we do not have full access to information regarding one’s life. This causes us to omit important details!

Take this anecdote for example:

A friend of mine says he knows people who are on six-figure salaries.

Six-figures! That’s an enormous milestone!

After telling him awesome that must be for them, he told me where they worked. He said they were either in law, or in banking.

He then said, “from what I’ve heard, these people hate their lives. They sound absolutely miserable. I would much rather earn less money doing something I can accept rather than constantly feeling stressed.”

This isn’t to deter people from careers in law and banking. It’s to speak of my desire towards those things: in other words, non-existent. Suddenly, their means of acquiring six-figure salaries didn’t seem so appealing.

It is easy to fixate on something that someone has. We focusing on a singular thing in a vacuum — like a salary — and then say “I want that”. However, this is an unfair comparison. Do you want everything else in their life that comes along with that as well? Do you want to endure their efforts, their stress, their other problems, etc.?

If you do? Then, you can do that yourself by starting work on your own life. It’s within your hands via your own concession, after all.

If you do not? Don’t worry. Problem of comparison solved.

Try to remember that things may not be as they seem on the surface.

It also might be the case that things do appear as they are on the surface (unlikely, but theoretically possible). Others’ lives may not be perfect, but sometimes, the happiness and contentment they express might be genuine. I know people who truly love their job, feel they have accomplished a lot and feel proud of that fact, and genuinely love life.

There doesn’t have to be a negative behind that. Things just are. And that’s ok. None of this says anything about you as a person, as we shall learn.

Another’s success is not a comment on you as a person or your “lack of success”

One of the most pernicious mindsets is seeing life as a zero-sum game: one which is divided into “winners” and “losers”.

I do not blame people for sinking into this mindset. There are certainly aspects in life that are competitive like job hunting, in which the “best” candidates succeed. It’s even more seductive of a perspective when success over other candidates yields benefits such as financial stability, independence, and job satisfaction.

It’s hard not to tie up success and winning, and lack of success and losing. Some definitions of that word tie them up together; one in the same.

However: is a person really “better” than you just because they got a job position you did not? Perhaps they were simply a better fit for the company. Perhaps you had a bad day (and they had a good one), perhaps luck or some external factor was involved. Just because you did not succeed one time, does not mean you will elsewhere (or even at the same company).

It’s like in dating: you can be the tastiest apple in the bowl, but someone will always pick peaches instead. The trick is to find the person who loves apples, loves what you offer, and showcase that in the best way you know how (with a bit of luck).

Finally, it is a fact of life that some point are in more fortunate circumstances than yourself. Some people earn more money, some people are more attractive, fitter, have better health, have better opportunities, etc. Just because they have it “better”, does not mean that you have it bad. It does not mean that you cannot be satisfied with, or happy about, your life without plentiful supply of those things.

As a wise person once said: “saying that you shouldn’t be sad because someone is worse off than you is like saying that you shouldn’t be happy because someone is better off than you.”

External validation is not a solid foundation for wellbeing: you should internally validate yourself instead

In my opinion, being reliable is one of the best traits you can have.

Reliability is the act of doing something, with confidence that it can be replicated at a future instance when desired.

Things that are reliable are frequently used. Things that are trustworthy are reliable, things that are reliable are trustworthy.

Now, I want you to think about this with respect to a scenario I am about to create. Imagine that you wake up in an unknown land. All you can see around you are green plains and fields. In such a situation, you ask yourself this:

Who can you rely on?

You can hope that someone might show up. They might help you out. However, they’re not always there. You are.

In the end, the most reliable thing in this situation is you.

You are with yourself the most in this scenarios. Others are not. Therefore; others are fleeting, you are never fleeting. And I think that says a lot, because external validation is the same.

When you want praise from others, you are waiting for others to give it you. Unfortunately, you cannot control how others act. This means that validation from external sources cannot be attained reliably.

However, if you learn to become your own source of validation, and acquire that wellbeing internally, then your supply is limitless.

All of this feeds into notions of comparison nicely. When you’re comparing yourself to others, you are validating your self-worth through how you stack up with others.

So, instead of validating yourself through arbitrary societal standards of success, validate yourself. Run your own race. Set your own goals, work towards them, and try to improve upon the person you were yesterday.

But don’t try to be the best at everything. That’s just not possible.

You can’t be the best at everything

Have you ever met someone that is amazing at one thing, but unqualified at another?

If you have, then you have described all of humanity.

Unless you are trying to break a world record or win a tournament of some description, trying to be the best at something is statistically stacked against you. Chances are that out of billions of people, there is someone out there who can do what you can, but better. Even if you are the best at something, there will be someone else who is better than you at something else.

Lionel Messi might be a world-class footballer, but he would probably get wiped out by a chess grandmaster at chess. In fact, a lot of children of school age could defeat him at chess. Do people judge him as inadequate based on that premise? No.

Stop judging a fish via its ability to climb a tree.

There is a saying that it takes 10,000 hours to become a master at something. If we are to take that at face value, it becomes apparent that through sheer numbers and time, we cannot become the best at everything (unless you’re an eternal being, in which case, knock yourself out). 10,000 hours is over 416 days — a lot. That time does not even account for sleep, work, eating, commuting, doing chores, etc.!

You cannot control what other people do with their time. Anyone who does would be labelled controlling, envious, or a bad sportsperson. Imagine if someone tried to undermine your work you spent so long on — you wouldn’t like it!

Find things you enjoy, and pursue them. Improve at them if you really want to. But if you want to improve, you’ll have to be careful about how you do that…

Comparison is frequently done negatively, not positively: which is why you should generally refrain from it

Can there be a time in which comparing oneself to others is a good thing?

I believe that the answer to that is yes, but we have to be willing to be flexible with the definition of “comparison”.

Comparison is typically looking at two things and weighing them up, deliberating on how they measure up against each other. Up until this point, I have talked about how this is not a useful thing to do when it comes to self-esteem.

A more positive, motivational form of this arises when we remove the “weighing them up” part of the process.

Imagine you are a rock climber, and you’re currently climbing at Level 4–5. Then, imagine scrolling through Instagram, and you see someone climbing at Level 8. Instead of trying to measure up to them, you see their climbing as inspiration for your own journey.

You say, “this proves the possibility of Level 8 for me someday”, instead of, “man, this person is so much better than me. My Level 4–5 abilities mean nothing”.

This is the key takeaway: inspiration.

Others’ successes should inspire, not demotivate.

You should not use the achievements of others as a stick to beat yourself up; evidence that you are not good enough. As I have said in a previous article: people aren’t “better” than you, they just have more experience. That person who paints incredibly has simply dedicated more time and effort into honing their craft, which is something you can if you want to enough.

It’s not about being better, it’s simply (but not easily) about taking action.

And indeed, you don’t need to achieve something to feel valuable as a person. As it stands, you have self-worth right now. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive for more in life, but it doesn’t mean that you have to justify your existence by creating things or being of value to others through that pursuit (an article is coming about this very phenomenon).

All in all, if other people motivate you, then more power to you if you use them as a frame of reference! However, if you’re coming away from these situations feeling worse, then it might be time to reel in and focus on yourself.

Remember why you started an activity: it was to feel better, not worse.

Conclusion

I think comparing ourselves to others is one of the most human tendencies.

We are social animals, after all, and we frequently find ourselves interested in the affairs of others.

We want to know how others are doing, and we can’t help but compare that to ourselves.

In my mind, there is unhealthy comparison, and healthy comparison.

The former is when comparison affects our self-esteem; when we use others’ achievements as a measuring stick for success and wellbeing.

The latter is a more constructive, arms-length means of comparison, and are the only times we should use comparison.

Namely, we should only compare ourselves when:

1. We are comparing ourselves to our previous self
2. We are looking to see if others have enough for themselves
3. We are loosely using others’ successes to see what is theoretically possible for ourselves; to motivate
4. We are in exceptional circumstances in which we are trying to be the very best at a particular activity e.g., breaking a world record: we need a frame of reference to beat. Even then, we shouldn’t hinge our wellbeing on whether we are the very best or not

And with that, I feel I have finally created a comprehensive list of reasons as to why comparison really is the thief of joy. If I think of anything else, I will come back to this article and add it.

Many thanks for reading. I hope there is something you can take away from this to add to your life, in those times that you feel stuck or despondent.

Take care.