99 Problems and the Ex is one. 99 crazy things you do in divorce. 99 slightly insane things divorce is guaranteed to make you do.
I’m sorry to tell you but even the sanest of the sane will relate to these crazy things you do in divorce. You will probably do most of them. Here we go:
Crying in the carpool line at school.
Learning to say “me” in conversation instead of “we”.
Wine, wine, and a little more wine.
Sitting in your car in your own driveway to make private phone calls.
Wondering if you will ever date.
Deciding that you’ll end up being that lonely old lady who feeds the pigeons by the freeway.
Eating a diet of whatever you buy at the grocery store to pack in your child’s lunch.
Having nothing to then put in your child’s lunchbox because you ate it all at 3am.
Learning how much stuff, how many belongings, you absolutely don’t need.
Packing all your worldly belongings into big green Hefty garbage bags.
Wanting instead to light a match and set fire to all your belongings.
A lot. (Is it praying or pleading?)
Actually forgetting to eat.
Crying during the Super Bowl at those damned Budweiser Clydesdale horse commercials.
Sleeping in your clothes because you are too exhausted to get undressed.
Learning what it means to get served (and not in a restaurant).
Driving around for hours because you are just too sad to go home.
Crying during the previews at the movie theater (the dancing popcorn and soda reminding you to get snacks at the concession stand suddenly seem sad.)
Not knowing what is Next.
Finally being OK with not knowing what is Next.
Long walks to keep your sanity.
Being afraid to be alone.
Living in an apartment again, and hearing the neighbors in the apartment above having sex.
Going to a psychic to get guidance.
Deciding that you will never, ever want to date.
Joining Match.com the next morning.
Going off Match.com after every man who contacts you looks like he just got released from prison.
Rejoining Match a week later.
Wishing you could become a Lesbian.
Calling your father at 2am to ask him if you will be OK.
Your Dad talking to you until 4am to reassure you that you will be OK.
Remembering you are a good person.
Buying your first toolbox.
Using a drill for the first time, not very well but still using it.
Hiring an attorney.
Firing the first attorney. Hiring your second attorney.
Spending hundreds of dollars at Fed Ex office making copies for your case.
Everyone at the Fed Ex office down the street learning your name.
Packing boxes shoved into your closet because you can’t bear to unpack the contents.
Bingeing on microwave popcorn.
Needing chocolate. Often.
Stealing those $2 school fundraising candy bars from your child’s room while they sleep.
Having to give your child $60 for all the chocolate you ate.
A Queen sized bed seems huge. You pile pillows down one side to feel like a body sleeping next to you.
Learning to enjoy sleeping alone in that huge bed.
Tomorrow, part two of the crazy things you do in divorce. What slightly crazy, irrational things did you do in divorce?
Did you do any of the ones I listed above? Dish it baby!