Nuke the Whales, They Are Boring

Have you ever actually seen a whale? They are not really that great. Nobody is going to miss them. Plus they eat krill, which will be a valuable human foodstuff in the not too distant future. In other words, whales stand between us and avoiding starvation.

They must be gotten rid of.

No measure is too extreme. The nuclear option is the only choice. If we don’t drop hydrogen bombs on whales, we will die. This is the only way to stop the inevitable.

I’m not saying this as a warmonger — I’m espousing this as an environmentalist and great humanitarian. Whales have a proven track record of wonton destruction. As Mark Twain once put it, “they’re giants, but they’re not gentle.” Whales are known to display a relatively passive attitude toward core Christian values. Their lack of enthusiasm for even the most basic tenets of the Judeo-Christian faith is worrisome on many levels.

According to the Center for Marine Mammals, whales are an invasive species with habitats in all seven seas. No body of water is safe from their totalitarian rhetoric. It is a highly publicized fact that whale propaganda can be heard over one hundred miles away. Their “song” corrupts other marine mammals causing them to commit unspeakable horrors.

Some may say I am inhumane or insane. But, I am the soundest voice. Whales may be endangered, but if we don’t hasten their extinction we will be in danger. Every day that we hesitate to act, the positive feedback loop grinds onward in an endless cycle of perpetual destruction.

We at the Foundation for a Whale-Free Tomorrow ask for your donation. PLEASE WIRE ALL DONATIONS via Moneygram. Donations are based on a minimum level and are proportional to your income. As the minimum is 25 percent, if you make $100,000 a year, you must donate $25,000 in order to be eligible. We will still accept lesser donations, but we will not recognize you and will consider them as anonymous gifts.

But, where does the money go? As informed citizens who pay our taxes, we want to know where our hard earned money is going. In this respect, I can personally guarantee that none goes to waste and present a breakdown as follows:

40% — Processing Fee

20% — Arboreal Expenses

20% — Enrichment of Uranium

20% — Gaseous Materials

Before you reach for your checkbook, I want to say one more thing: Thank you.

With your support the oceans will be free of contaminating elements once again. Remember, while life is predetermined by celestial signs, whales are a choice. We may choose to reject them and in the process save our own skins.

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