Seduction in the Sunlight

So, you want sex now. But your companion isn’t anywhere near bed. On the surface, this seems like a 3, maybe 2 step procedure.

  1. Find parter
  2. Relocate parter
  3. Sex partner

No.

Just stop right there. This guide is aimed towards straight men, who date straight women, and if you try those three steps on straight women you will be sad and un-sexed.

Here’s a different list of steps:

  1. Atmosphere. What does the bed look like? What is the bed surrounded by? Look first at your window. Is the weather moody and atmospheric, or is it sunny? Sunny weather means block that shit up. No woman wants to be naked in broad daylight; we have cellulite and stretch marks and acne and that shit shows up. Do you have mood lighting, or were you relying on the overhead light that will also mortally offend her natural desire to hide?
  2. Is the room clean, or is it a collage of cans, bottles, butts, and dirty underwear? That won’t work. Ideally, it would be decorated like an 18th century boudoir, but most women will settle for “clean”. Normally you rely on her exhaustion and the darkness of night to disguise your room, but it’s daytime and she can see how you live.
  3. Finally but perhaps most importantly: the bed. Is it made? Does it have sheets? Does it have a comforter or various hides? Make it up, and then draw one corner back, invitingly.
  4. Her mood. What have you done for it lately? Has your entire day up to this point consisted of seduction and sweet-talk? Because if not, sex isn’t anywhere in her thoughts right now. I know this may seem impossible to many males, but sometimes, females aren’t thinking about propagating the species. They are focused on keeping it alive, which means her head is probably full of thinking about her job and college and how hard she is failing at both of them.
  5. You need to first work at reminding her that sex exists, and that sometimes she likes it. Craft a casual but honest compliment and deliver it hours before you want to actually be in her. Something along the lines of “you look fantastic today” or “I really like that shirt on you” or, “your hair looks really nice”. Don’t try too hard or she’ll realize what you’re trying. Be your normal, not overly observant self.
  6. Then, and yes, I know you have the entire internet and several gaming consoles and a DVD collection trying to thwart this, you have to pay attention to her. Here’s one potential scenario:

Potential Scenario:

Girlfriend is sitting on the couch, computer in lap, brow furrowed and frowning.

Sit down next to her, grab her shoulders gently and start to massage. Say something clever and Clark Gable-like:

“Now what are you thinking so hard about?” or, “Need a man-child to solve it?” or, “Why are you so angry about cracked.com?”

It’s time to be a little cheesy and overtly manly. At about this point in the day, she has stopped thinking of you as a man, and has relegated you to the status of distraction. Her mental list is such:

  1. Things that absolutely must be done.
  2. Things that need to be done.
  3. Things that should get done.
  4. Things I’d like to have done.
  5. Things that might get done.
  6. Things that should probably be higher on the list.
  7. Things I won’t get to, and will feel bad about.
  8. Comfort food.
  9. Things to make myself pretty.
  10. Sleep. Maybe sex, if convenient.

You need to propel yourself to #1: Things that absolutely must be done.

7th and Final Tip: Be a Distraction. Let’s face it, you definitely weren’t on the list and so this is what you are. But be a forceful, happy distraction, something like surprise no-calorie ice cream that magically appeared in the freezer and then spooned itself into a bowl.

If she didn’t melt the instant you rubbed her shoulders and got manly, you have a little more work to do. You might have to listen to her complain about it for a while, or do whatever. Just remember to keep up the Clark Gable act and try to get her to reluctantly chuckle and roll her eyes. Pour her a glass of something if you have it.

At some point, you need to strike. Every single (straight) girl in the universe has longed for a man to shut her up with his mouth. Every single man has wanted a girl to shut up, regardless of sexual orientation. So do it. Give her a good firm kiss, manly-gently (mently?) grab her wrist, and say something suave like “that can wait” or “you should probably take a break” or “I read this long list of moves but I forgot what the last one was so uh, sex?” Then playfully pull her towards the clean, dimly-lit bedroom. Compliment her again (“you know, this is that shirt’s fault.”) and go slow.

NOTES:

Don’t expect to actually be as suave as Cary Grant. She’s not dating you because you’re suave; if you were naturally suave you wouldn’t need this list. Being a little cheesy is ok, and making her giggle is good.

SEX NOTES:

What you’re not touching is even more important than what you are. The waist and ribs and hipbones are sadly neglected parts of female anatomy. Legs like to be touched. Inner thighs like to be touched. If she’s not trying desperately to redirect your hands towards the bases, you’re going too fast.

PENIS NOTES:

Try to angle it so that as much of your shaft as possible is rubbing against the upper part of her vagina.

Author’s note: This was written to someone. I thought it was funny (and I think he did too). It in no way applies to all relationships, although I suspect it applies to a great many.