Toxic Rock Syndrome

Keeping the Lapidary Arts Out of Your Yoni

As time goes on, Gwyneth Paltrow is recognized less and less for her acting prowess, and more and more for her rotten health advice. Her latest? Urging women to vaginally insert a jade egg, a stone the size of a ping-pong ball, and hold it there. All day. Every day. Yet another new spin on the Amish rock tumbler.

The claim is that the $66 jade egg (sold out) clutched in the birth canal can “increase vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance and feminine energy in general.”

The claims are enumerated in depth on the website, accompanied by the article, Jade Eggs for Your Yoni. She suggest that holding the egg in a hypo-utero position can improve everything from kidney function to “invigorating your life force.”

Is it really good practice to get intimate with a stone? Certain feminine products were implicated in what was known as Toxic Shock Syndrome during the late 1970’s. It is an acute disorder characterized by a spectrum of symptoms brought about by bacterial colonization from bacteria that emit toxic compounds that attack body tissues. These bacteria include Staphlococcus aureus and Streptococcus pyrogenenes, among others. The condition can rapidly lead to coma and death, unless treated with aggressive courses of antibiotics.

Dr. Jen Gunter, an actual OB/GYN at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco suggests that clutching any stone in the nether-regions is perhaps not a wise idea, as she says, “”I would like to point out that your pelvic floor muscles are not meant to contract continuously.”

She continues, “In fact, it is quite difficult to isolate your pelvic floor while walking so many women could actually clench other muscles to keep the egg inside.”

Apparently this physician does not endorse Gwyneth’s recommendation.

Paltrow suggests the insertion of the jade egg, a curious choice for a particular stone. It seems like its smooth edges could lead to hazardous misplacement, only exacerbating the other issues with bacteria or pelvic disease. But her $66 stone has a small hole for a retrieval leash, or perhaps just a place for S. aureus to colonize.

If you are in the market for a crotch stone, perhaps opt for a hunk of shale or quartz. Flat edges and jagged crests ensure precise immobile placement, and serve as a not-so-gentle reminder that you are benefitting from the invasive spiritual cleansing that only clutching a piece of the earth’s crust can give you.

The take home message — we should not trust Hollywood’s B-list with gynecological advice. Don’t put gravel into your vagina or any body orifice for that matter. Unless you are a pigeon, then you get a pass.

Apparently the jade eggs are flying off the shelves, as they are ‘sold out’ at the moment. It is a sad time to think of the thousands (millions?) that have turned to a celebrity for health advice. Not only have they lost a few dollars, they may have endangered their own reproductive health and perhaps even their lives.

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