How To Get Over Yourself

Dana Point, CA….on an Oceanography Field Trip….Hi Professor !

I never thought for one moment that I would sit and write something titled the way that I have done so — where it seems that I am about to make some seriously self-denigrating remarks about my life, tell you each and all that somehow, I am wrong and totally deserved the things that have come into my life over the course of it, which is 48 years.

Okay, so maybe there were bits and pieces of good stuff, like the people who are my family now.

48 years.

Ample time to get over oneʻs self, I would imagine, but, sometimes, really, it is not about our being able to “get over” ourselves, but is, actually, about our being able to accept the things that we just do not want to. Most of the time, it is not that we do not want to get over things, but that we do not know how to do that. I am someone who was not ever shown how to “get over” things, and to this day, I watch my parents not get over things, preferring, it would seem, to orate, and opine, and talk about, hack to death the reason why anyone would do anything at all.

Note that I did NOT write “why anyone would do anything at all to anyone else,” but just that no one actually bothers to try getting past anything that hurt them emotionally, at least not in my DNA relations, and from my vantage point, it appears that I would be the first one to bother with learning how to get over the things that have come into my life and not by my own choosing.

No one would EVER choose the things that I have been through, that I am going through, but that is neither here nor there. It dawns on me that there are people in all of our lives, as there would be anyway, who just cannot face their own ugliness, cannot face the thing that weakens them emotionally, and by this I am not talking about their getting all mushy over things. I mean that they cannot handle the emotional trauma that they will suffer or that they might cause someone else to go through, even if they didnʻt mean to do anything wrong. We are taught to win, but not how to lose well. We are taught to beat others down, but not how to deal with it when we are in that position. If there is anything that any parent ought to do with their own kids is to teach them to be balanced in their doings.

My family never really taught anyone this, preferring most of the time to pick a side, not realizing that we were one unit, and that in families, there should be no “sides” other than the ones that go with dinner.

In this case, there are things that have bothered my family, in lots of ways, for a long set of years.

Even me.

However, because I am aware of the things that have come into our lives since I was a kid and before I had kids of my own, it was never a thing to “get over” anything, and most of the time it would be “a thing” to continue beating a topic to death, as if living through those events in our minds through story telling and plain old rehashing the pain (because you know…we love our pain, because really, it is the only thing that we can claim to being truly ours that only we can make go away) would make it all better.

We rarely see these things, these patterns of behavior that become generational until someone within that family unit sees what is going on and decides to do something proactive about it all. Typically that person is not generally trusted, because somehow, that person no longer sees the pattern as healthy, and that person chooses, through repeated attempts at trying to change the behavioral pattern by telling people that there is a problem, that it needs to be seen to, and that that person is ready and willing to go through those changes with them.

Rather than hear EVERYTHING that is being said, usually the people to whom we are telling this to will only hear what it is that they want to hear, and will block out everything else, even if it makes perfect common sense. What really sucks is when they go and get “the others” involved, because this is when the two sides of the family comes into play — yours, and everyone elseʻs.

You can continue to keep the pattern of behavior what it is…

…and as per usual, if you are the “Me” of your family, then you will be expected to keep up the status quo.

Methinks these people forgot that I Am a professional weirdo, and as such, I can only bother with telling the truth. You see, people bristle at the truth if it is not the truth that they care to believe. They will keep on living in denial about a thing until someone who cares tells them that they are repeating toxic behaviors.

Now, donʻt get me wrong…I am NOT suggesting that you go all out selfish on your people. What I AM saying is that there will come a time when it is that you will not be so determined to continue to try to make them give you the equivalent of a pat on the head, the “good job, kiddo” never heard and if heard, only heard because someone felt guilty for not having said it enough without also making certain that there was some of that garbage that, if used too much, becomes an excuse to abuse, rather than to help correct…itʻs called constructive criticism and I can hear the collective sigh of the masses who love to use that crap called tough love to “correct” behavior.

You should just stop that crap already, because you know that if your kid bristles when they hear those phrases — “Constructive criticism” and “tough love” — you have overused those terms and are either a sadistic creep who ought to not have kids or, are, yourself, confused as to the difference between what is and what is not abusive, namely if it is stretched over the course of your kidʻs life.

I wonʻt say which of the two said those things the most, but I will say that for the bulk of my life it has been a struggle for me to not seek approval from those who could be the …parenting…influences…in my life. In the lives of Hawaiians, it is not something that is odd that the entire family raises the kids in the family. The issue is not that this is how this is done, but rather that too many people think that in order to keep people in line, they have to have discipline, and many people still confuse control to be a disciplinary tactic when all it really is is abuse.

It takes a lot of bravery to get over things. It has taken me a long set of years to get over the hurts that have ruled my life for too long now. The only way to get over things is to first get over your damned self, and what I mean by this is simply remember who you are for real. Think about the people who want to be in your life and who do so without making you feel like you are somehow the lowest piece of scum on the earth. There are people who we do not think of as our family, but they are, and they are right there, all the time, waiting to tell us that we are everything that we know we are.

We can stop waiting for the approval of our relations when we think about all of the good people who we have drawn to our lives and who have brought the missing energies that were meant to be in our lives all along, but, for some reason or another, it did not happen that way. Instead, we were taught (until we understand that family is not only about DNA, but about Love)that we have to “be there” no matter what, even when it is that those who would expect this are “there” but conditionally.

At this time I am experiencing a lot of things that make me feel like I was hatched instead of born, but, when I think beyond bloodlines, I realize that I have little to get over, and lots to be grateful for.

We are born into a set of people with the same DNA. There are no guarantees that they will be what we are told they will be. Of course there are always going to be those within that set of people who will be our kindred spirits. They are the reminders of who we are in any set of people, even within the set of people who we assemble in our lives and who we trust more than we do our parents and siblings.

Those are the ones who you get to choose and who ultimately choose you.

The way that we get over ourselves is to remember that no matter what, we are loved by at least one person on this planet, and it is a big giant planet.

One person is all Love needs to heal.

It never occurs to us that we, ourselves, are that one person, and through that person, we draw who we are meant to give our time and our hearts to.

Think about it.