I Got What I Wanted?

“Well, you got what you wanted,”

They said. Both of them. “You got what you wanted.”

What am I supposed to do with this seemingly innocuous comment,

Thrown at me twice, by different people*, within a year?

I assure you: It’s not innocuous.

The intention behind the words is unmistakeable:

You didn’t try hard enough.

You didn’t really want to reunite.

You had this outcome in mind all along.

And now I must sit with it

And figure out what wisdom, if any, there might be in it for me.

Are they right? Was I just faking it all along until

Things died a slow death, and I was free?

How do I fight the guilt this statement inevitably arouses?

I fight it by accepting its truth. Yes, it is what I wanted…

It is what I wanted, IF things didn’t change.

It is what I wanted, IF I had to stew in the negative forces one more day.

It is what I wanted, IF my deepest, innermost being could not soar.

It is what I wanted, IF conflict continued to be elevated over harmony.

Many things changed, but none of those things changed.

Are they really too much to ask?

Am I to be shamed for wanting them?

No. I do not accept that shame.

When the evidence reveals that anger is still quick to flame,

That a sarcastic remark or insulting comment continues to be easily triggered,

That irritation and annoyance are still so close to the surface,

I know the truth.

I got what I wanted.

*First, the therapist, 6 months ago, when I said we probably wouldn’t reconcile. Next, the ex-husband, 6 days ago, after we left the courthouse.

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