I Got What I Wanted?
“Well, you got what you wanted,”
They said. Both of them. “You got what you wanted.”
What am I supposed to do with this seemingly innocuous comment,
Thrown at me twice, by different people*, within a year?
I assure you: It’s not innocuous.
The intention behind the words is unmistakeable:
You didn’t try hard enough.
You didn’t really want to reunite.
You had this outcome in mind all along.
And now I must sit with it
And figure out what wisdom, if any, there might be in it for me.
Are they right? Was I just faking it all along until
Things died a slow death, and I was free?
How do I fight the guilt this statement inevitably arouses?
I fight it by accepting its truth. Yes, it is what I wanted…
It is what I wanted, IF things didn’t change.
It is what I wanted, IF I had to stew in the negative forces one more day.
It is what I wanted, IF my deepest, innermost being could not soar.
It is what I wanted, IF conflict continued to be elevated over harmony.
Many things changed, but none of those things changed.
Are they really too much to ask?
Am I to be shamed for wanting them?
No. I do not accept that shame.
When the evidence reveals that anger is still quick to flame,
That a sarcastic remark or insulting comment continues to be easily triggered,
That irritation and annoyance are still so close to the surface,
I know the truth.
I got what I wanted.
*First, the therapist, 6 months ago, when I said we probably wouldn’t reconcile. Next, the ex-husband, 6 days ago, after we left the courthouse.