Listening: An Undervalued Skill, Its Benefits And How To Improve With 3 Simple Steps
In my line of work, I’ve observed some managers who weren’t the highest-performing individuals but had the highest-performing teams who loved working for them. All of them had a common trait: how they made their team feel heard. Giving these managers the much-desired influence that drives willing commitment from their members to perform for them.
Outside of the workplace listening lets us discover our communities, filtering who we would like to build a social relationship with and who we share ourselves with. Building a circle of friends who we believe value our presence and accept us.
Why listening is an undervalued skilled
Listening is a skill that is often undervalued and why I say that is simply because of two reasons.
First, is the effect that listening can bring to both parties in the form of trust and satisfaction in building rapport to improve professional or personal relationships.
Secondly, it is a skill we use on autopilot and thus overlook its importance because of the subconscious mindset that we are already experts and hence do not feel the need to develop what we are already mastered.
How listening benefits both parties in an exchange
Trust and expansion of perspective are two of the greatest benefits that listening brings amongst others. When the listener pays their undivided attention to the speaker and shows he or she is present in the conversation it brings the speaker a sense of joy and assurance that someone is genuinely interested.
Through the gift of presence the listener gives the speaker, he or she shows how important the speaker is in the relationship. Reflect it by asking questions, leaning in to listen or just nodding gives the speaker the confidence to carry on the exchange and share more depth with the listener. Bonding the parties through the experiences from the conversation.
Expansion of perspective develops as listener learns about their speaker. Challenging prior bias which may have built a preconceived image of the person as the listener processes the content and emotion from the speaker. In some ways the expansion of perspective is not just growing knowledge of what is in the external environment, but a chance for self-reflection and elevation of self-awareness.
Here are 3 steps to enhance your listening skills
1. Be present in the conversation in both body and mind
Before beginning the conversation set aside your distractions, simple actions like moving your phone to the side or closing your laptop. Then lean forward and look at the speaker to cue that you are ready to give them your full attention.
The action of moving objects signals the speaker of your readiness and helps to reduce the perceived social distance because there are no barriers between you both.
2. Participating in the conversation
Non-verbal participation
During the conversation, you can interchange between nodding and moving your hand to your chin to make the “Thinking Emoji”. These non-verbal actions signal to the speaker you are listening. Combine it with eye contact to show the speaker you are paying attention and present.
Remember to sit with good posture and not slouch when listening as slouching is often taken as a sign of boredom.
Verbal participation
There are a few good ways to show you are present in the conversation. The easiest is to ask questions about the topics being shared either for clarification or to understand the speaker’s view.
It could go like this: “Earlier when you mentioned you overheard someone gossiping about you how did it make you feel?”.
The wonderful thing about such a simple exchange is it lets both you and the speaker gain perspective through a simple exploration of the topic. In this example, it is the “emotion” felt from the gossip.
Now the speaker has to explore his or her feelings about why the action caused discomfort and you as the listener gain new information about the speaker’s characteristics.
Another way is to challenge the speaker’s opinion. But only when you are asked for your opinion. Many times people are seeking out someone to listen to them and not provide solutions. So how do we respond when asked?
You may choose to agree, disagree or remain neutral the choice is not the focus here but the reason is what is important. In this situation, the speaker has turned into the listener and is now waiting to validate whether you have been paying attention. Thus, the answer you provide should be in-line with the topics the speaker has shared, else it will lead to either disappointment or in some cases anger.
A sample response could be: “Actually, I have a different opinion than yours, my view is that you were too quick to judge your colleague when you heard your name being mentioned. It could have just been said in passing instead of something negative. But what do you think?”.
In the response above, there are three components.
- It clearly states the stances of the listener
- The reasons for which he or she disagrees as a supporting argument
- A disarming statement to soften the stance
By including “But what do you think” the listener is providing the speaker with a way of responding without them having to become defensive. Because the statement is turning the question back to the speaker to ask for his or her opinion on what was shared. Thus, de-escalating the conversation from becoming confrontational to a civil discussion of varied opinions.
3. Show you valued the conversation
Lastly, to end the conversation and show the speaker that you valued the conversation, you can use paraphrasing to summarise the conversation into a few simple points. This helps the speaker feel acknowledged by the listener and improves relationships by generating a sense of closeness because the speaker feels valued by the listener. Thus, helping to develop relationships between the parties and perspectives through the exchange of thoughts and experiences.
Personally, I have used these techniques both in personal and professional settings and found them effective in multiple situations. But the key to getting it to work is adapting it to your communication style so it does not seem robotic. I would recommend readers give it a go maybe with a friend or loved one and ask them how it felt after the conversation ended.
I would love to hear about your experiences!
