
A Review: Jeni’s Sweet Potato Eclair Ice Cream
Before I begin, I’d like to describe my expertise. Being a former “chubby child”, I ate ice cream three times a week on average. I don’t say this in dislike of my prior state, I actually rejoice in my old carefree eating habits. Nowadays I shudder at the thought of binging on any unhealthy morsel, I cower in the presence of excess calories, making every time I deviate from my “diet” an audacious feat. I can take solace knowing that although I eat unhealthy at times, my metabolism is being supplemented by the copious amounts of coffee I drink on a daily basis, making my return to previous incipient obesity very unlikely.
So, to reiterate my qualifications: in short, I am unqualified. Yes, I’ve eaten my fair share of ice cream, maybe even less than others. But I believe it takes a little bit more for someone to go on afterwards and write about it. I am qualified merely by the act of my writing this article, just as anyone who writes a Yelp review can call themselves a “food critic”.
Now, to the matter at hand. The circumstances which led to the aquisition of Jeni’s special concoction is a story all its own. Twas a warm day in Long Beach California. My friend and I had planned to spend this afternoon at the aquarium. Amongst hundreds of sticky, loud children, my friend proposed we get ice cream. So many options at hand: the local stand with it’s tried and true swirl-cone combination, the custom Cold Stone creations across the street, or the entirely too expensive pints in the freezer aisle at the nearest Whole Foods.
To settle this decision, my friend pulled out her treasured Whole Foods gift card. With no cost to her or I, we picked up two pints. She chose: Almond Creme Organic Banana Chocolate Chip, and I: Jeni’s Sweet Potato Eclair Ice Cream. We then “paid” (Thank you for the gift card Helen), and took our ice cream pints to the local park to enjoy amongst metropolitan nature.
First: why the hell does a goddamn pint of ice cream cost $9.99? Quick answer: it’s Whole Foods, if you can’t afford to shop there, then don’t.
Second: who’s idea was it to create a sweet potato flavored ice cream?
In response, it was our dearest Jeni’s.
What a goddess.
Among this amazing blend of: sweet potato, creamy ice cream, cinnamon, and white chocolate shavings, I found a new love. The only situation I feel properly expresses my experiences with this treat is that of a woman. A woman, entirely too high maintenance. A woman whom I know I can’t afford to take out reguarly, and blesses my life on occasion out of mere charity. However, while I have her within my reach, I dare to taste, while savoring each moment, and flavorful bite. (Yes, this was intended to sound sexual)
Down to the last bite; this pint of love gave and gave. My friend, upon finishing her pint of hip-vegan “ice cream” began picking with her spoon into my miniature bucket of creamy deliciousness. It took only my godly willpower to keep myself from disarming her with quick slap or stranglehold. Alas, out of pity I shared the drippings which collected at the bottom of Mrs. Jeni’s aesthetically pleasing container.
I believe in that gorgeous 16 fluid-oz cardstock container there is profound life experience. I await the day I reach into my pocket and find spare cash. When I do, I’ll crawl out from my measly pit, and back up to those sliding glass doors. I’ll confidently step into that aisle, grab my mistress by the hand and out into the glorious day, until the moment she departs from me again.

