8 Reasons why my 2-Year Old is like my Friend On a Gin Bender

• He laughs while babbling incoherently. If I’m lucky, I can piece together what he’s saying by identifying slurred keywords
• He can cry for some unknown reason, but is fine once you give him something to drink
• He has a talent for falling on his face and popping right up as if nothing happened
• Whether he’s content, excited, or upset, there’s always a chance he’s going to punch me in the face
• If only I could get him to sleep it off, but he just won’t stay down
• Oh, God, he’s eating. Don’t watch. Just make sure he doesn’t choke, and everything will be fine
• He makes me laugh, but not for the reasons he thinks I’m laughing
• Those hugs

In closing, on behalf of all the parents out there, I’d like to thank all our friends who drink gin. You have done a good job preparing us to be parents of toddlers.