The College Bro’s Guide to a Successful Night

In the guide below I will be teaching the male audience how to be the best kind of drunk boy. So, before heading out “wtb” for tankard Tuesdays, Fucked up Friday’s, or even Why Not Monday’s read over this guide and you are almost guaranteed to be your best drunk self.

Step 1: Bathe in axe cologne. Make sure your fridge has Barcadi Breezers, you’ll need them for step eight.

Step 2: While at the pre drink you are going to want to absolutely pound back as many drinks (preferably Bud Light bottles) as possible. Take over the beer pong table as if you own the entire Country. After you sink or even miss a shot flex your lanky biceps and shout out woo as if you are on top of a mountain. Make sure your muddy shoes stay on the entire time, try and remain on the carpets, homeowners love this.

Step 3: You want to make sure that your blood alcohol level is at a superhero 0.4 percent, which is approximately 20 beers. Before the bar don’t forget your cigarettes that you don’t smoke, bring your ID that you want to lose, a condom that you won’t use and an extra pair of pants because you never know when you have to go pee.

Step 4: Hormones? They are raging right now right? You have found the inside of the bar. Congratulations. There are beautiful girls everywhere, literally every single girl in there is a perfect 10 in your opinion. Any amount of dignity that you have, get rid of it, it is super important that your drunkenness takes over.

Step 5: Get to the bar and order a drink, no matter who is blocking you push them out of your way in a Hulk-like fashion, girls will go nuts over this. Knock them over if you have to, it really turns them on when they are laying on the ground. Your order is a bottled beer (preferably Bud Light). This is the only drink you are going to get, nurse it like a newborn baby because it’ll seem like you are drinking all night and the boys will know that you are a true beauty. Keep it even when it’s finished because you will need it for step 7.

Step 6: Get to the dance floor, put your fist in the air and pump. Repeat constantly. Find the first girl you see in a short skirt and low cut top and assume that she is easy. Aggressively grab her from behind with your beer in hand wrapped around her waist and your other fist pumping in the air. Women love womanizers. Make sure you have at least one buddy doing the exact same thing looking deeply into your eyes because you two are in love…in love with the coco.

Step 7: Did that guy just bump into you? Yes he fucking did. Immediately turn around and punch him square in the face, you are invincible. Assert your dominance, forget about the D.A.R.E program, being an alcoholic is celebrated. Your hands are weapons, start a brawl. This is where your newborn Bud Light bottle is used. Throw it, getting kicked out of the bar is your brand. All the bouncers will be delighted to carry you out to the curb like the little princess you are.

Step 8: In the world of sobriety the clock reads one o’clock in the morning, but to you it’s only eleven. So why are you still on the curb? Get up, you and your buddies need to get to the next bar to prove to the world that you have not been defeated. At this next bar spend all your money. You just got paid yesterday and you want to make sure at least half of it is gone or else you’ll spend it on less important things like food, or that phone bill you haven’t paid in two months. Hit on the girl that you want to take home, and do not dare to look at her face, only stare at her chest. This will let her know that you are genuinely interested in her personality and her life story. When you’re done attentively listening don’t forget to mention how awesome her tits look in that shirt, and how you love her blue eyes. Invite her back to your house for the “after-party” (for two) for a casual Bacardi Breezer.

Step 9: Back at the house, fill her up…with breezers. Coax her to your bed with this line and this line only “wanna see my room?”. Invite her to sit down on your plushy bed made up of walmart sheets. The rest is up to you. So good luck my brother, and may the drunken force of the bro’s who came before you be with you always.