Bat Mitzvah in the Time of COVID-19

On March 21, 2020 our daughter Abby became a Bat Mitzvah. This was a date we received over 3 years ago. A day she diligently prepared for. A day we looked forward to with such joy and excitement. But one week before our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, the world screeched to a halt.

In early March, we were monitoring the news but felt confident things would be fine for our celebration. We tightened up the last minute details — finalizing our numbers, the songs for the DJ, party favors, etc. But as we got closer to the date, things started to veer drastically off-course.

The week of March 10th, within 36 hours, all of our out of town family and friends cancelled their plans. We were disappointed and understood but remained hopeful we could proceed. As long as Abby could celebrate with her friends, it would be OK.

By the end of that week, we realized her party would need to be postponed. Schools were closed and things were tightening up. It was a tough conversation — lots of tears and anger at why this had to happen. But while we were postponing the party, Abby insisted that the service go on as planned. She would become a Bat Mitzvah on March 21 no matter what.

Throughout the week, how that service looked went from being able to include a smaller group of friends and family, to only the people with honors during the service and finally, limited only to immediate family and the clergy. But still, Abby practiced and counted down to her big day.

Yesterday Abby became a Bat Mitzvah. The sanctuary held the people who love her the most — me and her dad and her older brother. Thankfully, our synagogue regularly streams services, so our guests were invited to join us virtually.

Abby led the service beautifully, alongside her partner Sophia. Once the service began, we didn’t think about the empty sanctuary because our hearts were filled with pride. Tears were shed, by everyone in the room. It was as beautiful as we expected.

When the service ended we looked at our phones. We had hundreds of notifications — texts, emails, Facebook posts, Instagram tags and Snapchat stories. Abby was so overwhelmed, she started to cry. People sent us screenshots and videos of the service and pictures of them watching from home. We truly felt the power of community and it was inspiring!

As we were probably some of the first families figuring out how to manage a mitzvah during this challenging time, here are a few small pieces of advice from us:

1. Follow your child’s lead — Abby knew her party had to be changed but was clear on how important it was to her for the service to go on. We did not try to convince her otherwise and respected her wishes.

2. Take advantage of technology — If your synagogue streams services, this is easy. If not (and you are able), use Zoom, Facebook Live or other technologies to bring your community together. One little lesson from our experience– make sure your older and less tech savvy relatives are prepared beforehand. You should not be offering tech support during the service.

3. Engage your community — We didn’t just send out the link to Abby’s service, but asked people to share their experiences of watching from afar. Many people commented how moved they were by the service even watching from home.

4. Know that this too shall pass — We are in uncertain times, but we know that there will be a time when we can celebrate. And what a celebration it will be!

We hope we can set an example of how to adapt, be flexible and truly see what it means to become an adult in the Jewish community.

As we shared in our speech to Abby:

“many times throughout our history, Jews have been forced to chant Torah in isolation, quiet for fear of being punished. It would be easy to look at our strange circumstances today like that, but we are not. Instead, while the seats of this beautiful synagogue may not be filled, your family and friends from all the different parts of your life are here with you, virtually that is. We don’t know about you, but isolated is the last thing that we feel. I hope you feel the same way.”

Stay safe and wash your hands.

Rachel & Matt, Atlanta, GA