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Most people put more thought into choosing a car than choosing a romantic partner.
When I ask the couples I see in therapy what drew them to each other, out of the hundreds that I have seen, the most common answers are physical attraction and some indication of ease. Things like “We talked for hours,” or “I felt comfortable with him,” or “she was nice.” While these things are pleasant, and may give some indication of initial fit, it is clear that very few of these partners have given much consideration to potential strengths and weaknesses in a mate, much less what their own are, and how those two go together.
Many make a “lifetime commitment,” and then seal it with the permanence of having children, with very little reflection until they come into therapy on the brink of divorce. At this point they are usually blaming each other for the other’s negative qualities, which they actually knew about from the beginning but denied to themselves and each other. (And BTW, couples therapy has a much better chance if you come in when problems are starting rather than when you’re both almost out of hope.)
In fact, frequently those negative qualities are variations of the very same qualities they initially liked in each other. One of the most common pairings is…
