What I’ve Learned About Relationships

As a Couples Therapist — Part II

Aattachment may indeed be the linchpin of relationships. Although attachment theory came to fruition with John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960’s it is assuming an increasingly dominant role in psychology and especially psychotherapy. Only time will tell whether it is the ultimate theory of human relationships but it certainly seems to condense a great deal of essential understanding and leverage in helping people improve their lives and relationships. With couples in therapy it quickly becomes evident how securely attached the individuals are, and much of how the relationship operates follows from that.

Security of attachment is determined hugely through our early experiences with our parents or primary caregivers. In turn this security is the foundation — at all levels — of our basic ability to trust ourselves, the world and other people. Without a certain level of trust, a balanced, reciprocal, interdependent relationship is impossible. Furthermore, partners tend to find each other at similar levels of attachment security or insecurity.

In insecurely attached relationships both partners tend to demand changes of each other, each thinking it should be easy for the other, and feeling…