Our brains have been formed by evolution to protect us from harm. If we don’t survive, we don’t reproduce and perpetuate our species. What does this have to do with relationships, you ask? Everything.
Arguably, two of the most fundamental drives encoded in our systems are the drive to be connected (including but not limited to reproduction and infant rearing) and the drive to protect ourselves. However, of these two — for the sake of survival — our brains preference threat detection and avoidance. If you miss the rock that kills you, you don’t pass on your genes. This is referred to in the field as negativity bias.
Brains are pattern-detecting and pattern-making machines.
This creates an inescapable conundrum in relationship: the connect-protect dilemma. We want to be close to other people, but we don’t want to be hurt. Being human, it’s inevitable that we will make mistakes and hurt each other. This is the crux of where things go well…or not so well.
In the earliest years of life, from birth to about 3 years of age, human infants develop a basic sense of security about the world. Much of it is pre-verbal, and this degree of security relates to complex abilities to trust others, to feel and understand one’s emotions, to be responsive to another…
