Slumber Party (or How Donald Trump Caught the GOP Asleep at the Wheel)

Bruce Wayne: Targeting me won’t get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn’t go down without a fight, but this is different. They crossed the line.

Alfred Pennyworth: You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them, you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn’t fully understand.

- “The Dark Knight”

The Republican Party is suffering from an identity crisis while embroiled in a bitter struggle with the result of their own no-holds-barred escalation tactics. In the party’s quest to tame savages, legislate human reproduction, and obstruct any and every decision made by the current administration, a blind eye was turned to a growing anti-establishment movement within their ranks. Now the blindfold has been yanked off and Ted Cruz isn’t the only one looking as though he’s poised to burst into tears at any given moment like a black velvet clown.

For years, many Americans have felt that while they identified as Republicans because of the party’s platform, it was an actual party that they may not have been invited to but to which they were still expected to drop off a gift. As the Clinton and Obama campaigns capitalized on the youth and growing minority voting demographics (Notice that current Republicans never mention Bush), panic ensued on the right. No longer content with Evangelicals, married mothers, and the few who actually live in the ever-shrinking middle class, the GOP began sending out invitations to the potentially embarrassing kids in class.

Big mistake.

Long ignored by the “cool kids” (except during election cycles), these new “friends” didn’t bring a nice bottle of scotch and the latest Kenny G album. They brought kegs of Natural Light, blasted Kid Rock’s entire catalog, and attempted to impress with racist jokes and photos of their gun collections. Things proceeded to sour upon the realization that the “cool kids” were not particularly skilled at anything besides making empty promises to call/hang out/play Xbox.

You want a job? I’ve got your back. This “gay stuff” getting on your nerves? I’ve got your back. You want — hey, just give me your support and I‘ve got your back, buddy. Of course, I’ll call you. Just remember that I’m going to be pretty busy getting you all these things you want. This President’s not going to cock-block himself, you know.

Needless to say, the phone never rang. Then Donald J. Trump showed up at school, proceeded by a reputation for talking the talk and walking the walk…all the way to the jumbo jet. The jumbo jet with his name emblazoned on it in the modest manner in which it’s been displayed on so many of his real estate projects. You know, the manner that says, “I’m just one of the guys!” This dude was amazing. He chatted up the exchange students…well, at least the girls from Europe. He flipped off the principal and cried in righteous indignation when admonished for doing so. He was what the kids wanted to and could be if they studied hard, went to college, and won the lottery before they were born.

All of this is to say that the GOP has brought this current fight with Trump on itself by inviting a bunch of people they had long ignored to place their trust, votes, and campaign donations in the party’s hands. To be clear, not all Trump supporters are racist, uneducated, vulgar children. Many are just sick and tired of the business-as-usual B.S. of contemporary politics and desperate enough to turn to a man they don’t fully understand.

We wouldn’t let a man who…

…fawns over his own hands

…calls his competitors demeaning pet names

…is suffering under the delusion of being a stand-up comic opening for Frank Valli in 1963

…was the lead in a TV show where he fires “celebrities” from “jobs” they perform to raise money for charity

…lies about calling people liars

…has achieved the seemingly impossible act of going bankrupt in the casino business time and time again

do any of the following:

- teach children

- manage household finances

- coach a Little League team

- serve food in a restaurant

- tend to Grandma/Grandpa at the nursing home

- pick a scratch-off lottery ticket

BUT…somehow he’s qualified to be President.

Of the Unites States.

There’s a grand old party going on somewhere right now. It’s just not at the GOP.