You might not see it in me today, but I was quite shy and reserved growing up. For most of my life, a controlling voice of condescension would govern my action in many public or social situations:

“People don’t want to talk to you, they don’t care what you think and you have nothing important to contribute. So just be quiet.”

It hurt, but it felt like the truth and I passively accepted it for the most part.

This caustic self-talk has influenced my behavior for some time now, and in many ways I continue to struggle with it today.

I was always thinking and analyzing in my head, rather than speaking from the heart or mind.

With that said, experience and events of the past few years have opened my eyes to an alternative way of life. A world where I can express myself.

I’ve fallen in love with being social.

This means leaving your comfort zone, meeting new people, building relationships, sharing stories, trading philosophies, having disagreements, evolving friendships, and all the intricacies of connecting with others.

Amping up my social life has been like discovering a new ability — and as a result, I want to practice it all the time.

Over the past year, this has included forming recreational sports teams, venturing into (and out of) the world of online dating, hosting parties, driving for Lyft, taking classes, and countless nights out with friends.

In the wake of this growth, I have become embarrassed and ashamed of my apprehensive nature. Armed with ample reinforcement from friends and family, I fully embraced the new, improved version of my self — Ryan 2.0. Pair this to my affinity for pleasing others and you will find I am quick to distance myself from the ‘shy Ryan’ we all once knew.

At first I tried to reject it — suppressing the desire to withdraw and recharge. But this caused emotional hangovers and physical burnouts, which would leave me craving solitude for weeks on end.

Enter Summer 2014

In San Francisco, I found myself living the life I had dreamed of. A career with a virtuous tech company, open access to beautiful women, proximity to nature and a nascent social life. But a persistent anxiety would creep up every few weeks. I felt unhappy, even though I had everything I could want.

This incongruity drove me to my first real therapy sessions, where I sought out answers that I couldn’t find on my own. With the help of a patient therapist — and something called The Enneagram — I’ve come to understand myself in a whole new light.

I’m a Type 2; and this means a lot more to me than it will to the uninitiated.

Essentially, at a young age I lost sight of the fundamental principle that we all deserve love exactly as we are. As a result, I learned to give and give and give, where meeting other people’s needs became a form of acceptance and validation.

Understanding this has helped me reframe the way in which I see myself; effectively altering the lens with which I view the world.

Think of it like Defense Against The Dark Arts, where you learn to protect yourself against negative self-talk or repel shame with spells and charms.

I learned to loosen my grip on the need for validation from others; and I discovered that I am not the introvert I’ve always thought myself to be. Think of me as a self-conscious extrovert who is gracefully departing from his comfort zone.

On this journey, I’ve discovered the human capacity to be vulnerable and in turn, the influence of vulnerability on our self-confidence and love of self. Here are a few examples, some of which I will expand upon in the future:

• Hitting a breaking point with social media; rehabilitating myself
• Exposing myself to the realms of Tinder, Hinge and OkCupid
• Cutting off women out of fear of getting attached (Neverland Syndrome)
• Sharing the fears and adversity of quitting my first job
• Reacting to the change of a close friend moving away
• Shedding negative beliefs and creating new agreements for myself

And while much of the focus has been on my personal development as an individual, it is in my nature to take others into consideration as well.

Let’s just say I’ve noticed a few things that I want to talk about with you.

You see, at the core of my worldview is the belief that humans are deeply emotional, social beings. But I find that, much like my wary self-conscious, we often deny ourselves of the bonds we crave. Through introspection, and studying those around me, I’ve found that you can be so entrenched in your own mind, that you close yourself off to others.

Rampant technology, unquestioned societal norms and our contemptuous little egos all wreak havoc on our freedom to bring ourselves — and our passions — to life.

I observe and form hypotheses about these things all the time. I’d like to start sharing my findings, and even more I’d like to hear your thoughts on these topics. It’s an important conversation that we all need to be a part of.

I don’t mind using myself as a guinea pig because I’m always looking to understand people better. And I’m not afraid to share lessons or expose myself because I am on a mission to grow. Won’t you join me?

One more thing..

I talk about this stuff incessantly and I love a good sounding board. I’ve spoken with roommates, friends, family, girlfriends, co-workers, Lyft passengers, Tinder dates, waitresses, bartenders, bloggers, baristas, people in line and just about anyone else who will talk to me.

What follows is also their story, told in part through my eyes..