“I Quit”: Extracting Lessons From My First Resignation

Originally published at moderntrajectory.wordpress.com on May 29, 2014.

Throwback Thursday. It has evolved into an amusing way to reminisce and appreciate the past. Recently, my mother forwarded me a Snapchat screenshot that she took one year ago tomorrow. At first glance it made me smirk, between the caption and the context, it was a ridiculous moment.

Then, as I studied my eyes and the expression on my face, I saw doubt and uncertainty that are all too familiar. An uneasiness has been building in my mind lately; it stems directly from a fear that if you took my picture tonight, I could have that same look in my eyes.

Arguably, May 31st of last year was the first day of the rest of my life. With the support of my girlfriend at the time, Rachel, I worked up the courage to quit a job that was wearing on my soul.

The job involved prospecting and cold-calling on businesses to sell them health insurance. It’s a role that some find rewarding, and while I learned a great deal from my time with that team, it wasn’t the right place for me.

Figuring this out was no simple task. I struggled with my work for months. Hitting and then falling short of my quota became a pattern. Being rejected by strangers over the phone all day is psychologically exhausting, no matter how strong you can pretend to be. However, the part that really got to me was the concept of giving up.

Like you, I don’t admit defeat easily but it was a necessary step in moving forward.

At first I shifted blame on the men I worked for, saying they set unfair expectations and withheld resources.

Then I aimed the spotlight at people in my personal life, claiming that they were putting pressure on me to succeed. Finally, there came a moment when I realized that I have minimal control over the actions of others but complete government of my own life.

Armed with support from Rachel and our families, and the promise of a financial safety net in case of emergency, I drafted a letter of resignation and drove into the office one last time.

Draw from your own experiences as you see fit. However, I can tell you from mine, few moments are as piercing as standing in front of your boss and telling them you are done.

With that said, It is pure emotional catharsis. Give yourself permission to bring your fears out into the open and be vulnerable. It’s when we allow our inner self, our subconscious, to come to life.

That car ride home was an emotional roller coaster: climbing the peak of doubt, you eclipse the moment of acceptance followed by an accelerated rush through a series of loops, twists and turns of elation. As I coasted into my parking spot that afternoon, I unbuckled my safety belt and stepped out into the world anew.

As blissful as this all sounds, if you’ve quit a job before you know that no matter what — that first night is a turbulent evening of ambivalence about the future. Rachel was smart enough to coordinate a night of drinking with friends to distract me. Several beers and pizza’s later, the result was a seemingly innocent Snapchat that I blasted out to friends and family.

I started this by telling you that I see fear and uncertainty in my eyes one year ago. I know it was there, now I’m afraid that those same feelings dwell in the back of my mind. I’m afraid of becoming stagnant in the same way I was before. I’m afraid of letting any aspect of my life hold me back. So if you hear that I’m running a half-marathon, or swimming to my roommates boat in the middle of McCovey cove, it’s because I am compelled to pepper my life with challenge and excitement.

This isn’t about how I’m embarrassed or disappointed in who I was in this picture, it’s about how we learn and grow through experiences. This isn’t a call for reassurance, because quite frankly I am confident that I will continue growing. Today I live in a city that is vibrant and alive, I’ve found a career that allows me to be creative and intellectually challenged, and I am lucky to be surrounded by people who lock-horns with life. But if I’m being honest with myself, I have to acknowledge these fears and think about what they mean to me. That’s how we prevent stagnation — through awareness.

What’s the point of all this? I suppose I want you to come away with two pieces of unsolicited advice:

1. Pay attention to your feelings, don’t just react to them, but truly question why you feel them.
2. There are many open doors in this world, reject failure and never stop moving forward. Ever.

So I want to wish everyone a happy #ThrowbackThursday. Don’t dwell on the past, it’s out of your control. Continue to think about where you have been, where you are heading and what it all means to you.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and engage in any dialogue about these things.