Do you ever get this sense of just not belonging? Anywhere?
Or to anyone?
I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t particularly want to belong to anyone. But I do crave to find somewhere, somewhere I belong (Did I just steal that from a song?). I thought back to the last twenty six years and that is the only real motivation I’ve ever had. To keep going I mean.
Let me recap. I think it’s just this universal craving to be accepted. To a society or community or like a group of like minded people you can call your own. Not necessarily family because gosh, no one gets to choose them. But you know what I mean? Just a safe place, for you to be yourself.
I guess, that’s all I have ever wanted to find.
Today, was a particularly hard day. Weather was somewhat ok, I mean it’s England so we had a few showers. But you know when you just wake up and wonder, will I ever belong? Such big philosophical thoughts belong at a time of day where you have already had coffee and breakfast, but there you go, thank you brain. I got ready for the day regardless. I drove, it was a pretty scenic drive and I did not get lost. I got everything I needed to get done, everything on my to do list could be ticked off, but still I had this feeling of pure self doubt. You know the usual, “FUCK AM I ADULTING RIGHT?”
Because no one tells you. There’s no score card. Because you spend the first two decades of your life in school and they give you a piece of paper to say, you have achieved this and this and this. Then you go and work and die. I mean, you go work and try not to die inside. No, no, what I mean to say is, you go work for a living (or not because recession/brexit/end of the world) you try to find where you belong, what industry or what position and you just climb or just dig yourself a hole for 8–9 hours a day and try not to die till the next holiday. Unless you actually love your job, but hey, I’m being a realist here.
What I’m realising is, no piece of paper or a job title is going to give you that answer that you really want, which is “FUCK AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?”
Who can really confirm your self doubt?
Your parents? your partner? your friends?
I had this moment of complete self doubt that I might not ever dig myself out of this hole of, gosh will I ever get this right? 2017? 2017 +
I was told this is normal.
It’s funny, when you least expect it, a friend shows up and it’s just at the right time and the right day and the right moment when you feel like your brain will explode because it’s churning too much bullshit.
The best part was the hug, like the unexpected hug. When they just know, you need a hug you know? Have you gotten that? It’s lifesaving really.
We sat, across each other, we laughed, nearly cried, laughed some more. When someone just knows you, who doesn’t judge you, who cares, who just believes in the goodness of you — just you and says it’s more than enough. Well, it’s just a total game changer isn’t it? I guess, it’s easy to forget you don’t need a whole damn tribe to belong to. You can simply have this one person, or two or three and they will say things like, “You have done so much, you are so kickass! Be proud, be proud of yourself!” it just snaps you back to the real reality. The reality where, I do belong. Of course I belong. Not to him or her but just this space — this space in time where I have someone who loves me because despite knowing every corner of my mind, sees me to be kickass anyways.
I know I shouldn’t seek validation but sometimes it’s hard to keep going without some sort of, “Ok, hey you’re ok! You’re a cool human being!”.