I had a dream about my grandfather last night. Or it was this morning because I remember waking up at 3 am because I was cold. I stored away my Winter duvet a week ago because the sun was shining but now it’s -1 and it’s snowing and all I have is a thin blanket from IKEA.
My grandfather would have been 102 on the 1st of February. He passed away a few months short of his 100th birthday. I know this sounds super old but it didn’t feel like enough time. Especially, by the time I came about he was already in his in his 70s.
The thing is, I could never really relate to him. He was all for rules and I was not. He wanted me to get married and I did not. He wanted to throw me a wedding and I wanted to drink cocktails by the beach. I guess we could never really see eye to eye. The truth is, I doubt we ever could have due to our vast age difference and cultural upbringing. But isn’t it funny, when you love just the same? I had booked my flight to see him for his 100th birthday, I booked it 6 months in advance and he fell ill 3 months short of his birthday and then one day he was just gone.
Everyone saw it coming or everyone knew that death was near by but when it actually hit us, it felt like being hit by a hurricane. It just tears you apart and you spin round and round and you wonder if he’s in a better place or if he has some peace. I was in Nepal that year and it felt more alien to me, to be back. What was the point to be back in a world where he was not alive? I wondered. Everyday. Probably for a better part of a year really. The thing is people die. I know that, you know that, right?
Humans are not invincible and the very special thing about us, is that we are mortals.
For some reason he felt immortal but maybe because he lived for such a long long long long long time.
You just build up some hope, I guess. Or just this blind confidence that they will never leave you.
And all at once, like these creepy cold nights, he left me. He left us. He left Earth.
When I see him now, he’s always with my grandmother. It gives me some sort of peace to see them together. Mostly because I love them both and their 70+ years of marriage is something to admire.
I don’t even know what that could be like. That level of commitment, can you? I only saw it for a brief period of time. But the level of respect they had for one another, was just beautiful. I guess, I’m just holding out for that really. Why settle for anything less?
I’ve seen the settlers and I’ve seen how happy they are or unhappy — it all depends on your perspective but I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I just don’t want to settle you know?
Why should I?
Why would I?
