How to react to a French terrorist attack

Finally. Guidance from the French gubbermnt on how to act should you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a muslim attack. You know it, I know it, it’s bound to happen any time now. 
Now, what should be taken home from this? Well, first and foremost this: Definitely not *all* your stolen tax-money is being spent on professional victims and rentseekers, since now there is this fine, multiculturally inspired instruction to show for it.
Pay attention tax-cattle, this is not going to be repeated over and over.

Since you have all spent at least twelve years in government schools
it must be assumed that you will need a lot of pictures and very small words, so here we go:

First of all, you should of course run. That’s right: running is blue. Running is good. Do not take the stairs, but form a human chain from the window down to ground level. 
Don’t ask why, it’s probably a teambuilding thing. Trust the cartoonist, trust Hollande, this is how it has to be done. Ladies first of course, there shall be no peeking up to their knickers.
Once safely on the ground, find a wall for cover. Make sure it isn’t higher than approximately one meter, so you can grovel your way forward in the appropriate manner. Never be bigger than walls under these circumstances. If you do, you stand a fair chance of getting either shot, raped, tortured, beheaded or run over by a truck. We all know these things.

OK, so this is where it get’s a little tricky. In your opinion, Yes, I’m asking you to think along here; What’s with the terrorist coming from the right there? 
Why is he warning Veronique and Luc, who are already going in the right direction obviously?
Is he some kind of random fearmongerer? Is he sending them back into the arms of the mouth-frothing madmen just around the corner? Is he running some kind of black-op? What should the poor disoriented couple do from here on? Should they run back inside and hide? Play dead? Run him over? I’m lost.


When at a loss, hiding is always a good option. It is the yellow option to be sure. Yes, be yellow, like your leaders. Cower down like any other cheese eating surrender-monkey. Preferably behind a whole bunch of taxpayers, in your well guarded mansion.
If you happen to be one of the taxpayers yourself and lack the option, then make sure to lock your pretty little front door, and put your charming furniture in front of the door. 
Most of you may already be doing this on a daily basis. Yet. This time it turns out that all your electrical devices have disappeared. Why is this? Well, it’s obvious. The answer is in the living room: there is an unknown man of the North African persuasion taking cover on your floor right in front of the main window. With that option obviously gone, your demolished safe-door is a decent alternative.

Make the call

This is where I’m getting a little confused though. I’m looking at the red zone. As soon as you have somehow managed to find safety for the moment, you should call 911 (or 17, or 112, just anything really) 
And then … well then it’s mostly a matter of not doing the things you’re *not* supposed to do. 
Do *not* run towards the police. Do *not* make any frantic movements. Those police-guys out there with the buns and the humongous dicks, they’ll kill you without blinking an eye. I repeat: they will kill you if you move.
Instead, between making the call and their arrival it is *imperative* that you get an afro hairdo. Somehow. Make it happen. It’s right there on the instruction. Have one lying around from now on, keep it close by. Then: stand very still and keep your hands up really high.
When performed well, these combined measures should sharply reduce your chances of getting shot by the cops inadvertently. Look up the numbers if you don’t believe me. You can do it while waiting for them to arrive, which is going to take quite some time.

Prepare as best as you can my friends. Better safe than sorry.