“Hangry” Vegan Rant to Brooklyn Restaurateurs

Dear restaurateurs of Williamsburg. Excuse me for pointing this out, but it would appear that your menus are stuck in 2010. Back when it was cool to eat like a meathead — when artisanal butchery was a “thing”, pimped-out burgers ruled, and a stack of chicken & waffles was “ironically” cool.

And maybe you didn’t get the memo, but the kudos of eating like a caveman is wearing seriously thin (a bit like the ice-caps). In 2016, insisting on flesh foods at every meal doesn’t make you look like a man, or like you’re flicking the PC committee the bird — it makes you look more like Donald Trump. And, dear restaurateurs of Williamsburg, I’m pretty sure you’d rather be catering to Leo DiCaprio. But you do realize how hard it would be (how hard it IS) for a plant-based advocate like Leo to get a decent plate of food in Brooklyn’s “hippest” ‘hood, don’t you?

When I moved across the river from the East Village two years ago, I was already veggie-curious. I’d watched the docs (Food Inc., Forks Over Knives), ditched meat and dairy, and pretty much only ate fish when I ate out. I’d also become a regular face at my local vegan hot-spots — the crunchy but delicious Angelica Kitchen, Jivamuktea Café, and Caravan of Dreams. (I’ve still never got a res at Dirt Candy).

And there had to be a bunch of veg-friendly options within walking distance of the Bedford stop, right? WRONG. Seems I’d upped sticks and moved to meathead heaven.

Then along came Cowspiracy (exec-produced by DiCaprio himself) — a.k.a. the final nail in the coffin for my flirtation with a plant-based diet. Game was now officially ON. And don’t get me wrong — I’m not here to give you the hard sell. But if you were one of those people who Tweeted Leo’s Oscar’s speech, then watch it for yourself and tell me you still feel okay about what your BBQ craving is doing to our planet.

But back to you, dear restaurateurs of Williamsburg. My decision to go meat free (along with feeling increasingly grossed-out about eating eggs) has officially led to: The End of Any Social Life.

My options for dining out? I’m not sure if a salad at Juice Press or Juice Generation even counts. As for Bliss, Bedford Ave’s long-standing vegetarian choice — the one time I did visit, it appeared that their “no cruelty to animals” policy also extends to cockroaches. TF for a handful of cheap and cheerful Indian, Thai and Mexican places — cuisines that do at least acknowledge beans as a viable food group.

And please don’t give me: “but haven’t you been to Champs Diner?” I have, and it’s very cute. But TBH I don’t want a stack of vegan pancakes topped with some fake meat for dinner — I want some freaking vegetables FFS!

You know what I also want? Is to get dressed up and spend $100 on a night out in your fine establishment. Don’t get me wrong, I love a crunchy plant-food place as much as the next Now Age hippie (yes, we’re a thing — just check out my site The Numinous). In fact, Souen, you will forever be my no.1. But I also love banquette seating, and vanity lighting, and extensive cocktail menus — for dining out to feel just a little bit special.

I wanted it to feel a LOT special last weekend. My husband had landed a new job (VP of brand marketing for a hot design hotel), and I’d handed in the manuscript for my upcoming book. If ever there was an excuse to do it up, it was Saturday night. So we did the menu divination dance to check out our local options. Which amounted to basically: NONE.

Reynauds, Marlow & Sons, Walter Foods. The hot new Italian place Lilia that’s in Elle this month. One — cheese-based — vegetarian option at best. Even the vegetable sides are invariably dosed with bacon bits and anchovy butter. And so we ended up at lovely Middle Eastern place Zizi Limona, eating our bodyweight in hummus. Again.

And I get it. It’s so much easier to season a piece of meat and stick it in the oven than it is to actually prep a plant-based dish that tastes like more than the sum of its ingredients. You can also charge $30 for a steak, when anything over $20 is a push for a plate of veg. And nobody ever orders the veggie option anyway, do they?

But perhaps this is because nobody, like NOBODY, wants parmesan risotto (a.k.a. savory rice pudding) for dinner. And on the subject of cheese — I’m totally prepared to go there, if you’re going to use it properly: as a condiment. Whole Burrata to start, followed by ricotta gnocchi with a melted Fontina sauce? A stomach full of mucus. Have you never heard of herbs as a way to make veg taste good?

As for brunch? Sure, okay, I’ll just have a plate of leaves. I wasn’t hungry anyway. (Sweetwater, your quinoa burger is commendable — if a little…soggy).

If you’re stuck for ideas, hop on the L train back to the East Village and check out what all the hype’s about at Superiority Burger. Or pull up to the open kitchen at Ravi DeRossi’s new plant-based find dining establishment Avant Garden. Bless you, in fact, S. DeRossi, a long-time vegan yourself who announced this month that you plan to make as many of your 15 bars and restaurants as possible animal free.

Actually, if you’re reading, how about opening up across the water? There’s, like, ZERO competition! Same goes for you, Chloe Coscarelli. Those lines outside By.Chloe, your vegan fast food place in Soho? I bet you’d double them if found a spot nestled somewhere within the Bedford-Berry-Driggs configuration.

Not that I’m suggesting you all go ALL plant-based tomorrow. Meat eaters have rights too (I guess). So how about this for an idea, a challenge if you will: one full vegan dish on every menu, and one vegetarian. You know, in the name of balance. The Fat Radish provides a shining example of how to do it, and even the Soho House has a full vegan section on their menu now. Also, shout out to Allswell for their Grains & Greens platter. Congrats on being ahead of the curve!

After all, dear restaurateurs of Williamsburg, lest you’d forgotten, your borough has a reputation to uphold as being somewhat…progressive. The least you could do is acknowledge where we all know, deep in our bowels, the future of food is headed.