Here Are The Times When It Is And Is Not Appropriate To Call Your Fire Buddy

When I instituted this policy I thought it was self-explanatory, but you poison-dicked simpletons can’t seem to wrap your mind around even the simplest concepts and continue to abuse your Fire Buddy cell phones. Because your damn antics are costing me a fortune in wasted minutes, here is the guide to when it is and is not appropriate to call your Fire Buddy. I’d like to call this list definitive, but you jackals are a continuous disappointment to me and I’m fully expecting to have a revised copy in several months time.


  • When you are on fire and require assistance from your Fire Buddy


  • When you are not on fire, or when you are on fire but do not require assistance from your Fire Buddy
  • When you run out of toilet paper on the toilet and need to ask someone to pick up more; please use the toilet paper bell I installed for this very purpose
  • When you’re “just feeling a little low, I guess”
  • When we’re going to get ice cream and you want to know if your Fire Buddy has any nut allergies so you can bring him something back
  • When you need to get picked up from the county jail
  • When you don’t know what time it is
  • When you need to get picked up at the church because you got in trouble for hollering at the preacher again
  • When you see a bear at the zoo
  • When you don’t see a bear at the zoo and you’re making a scene about it even though I’ve patiently explained that you can’t control wild animals
  • When you are engaging in Secret Cussing; please use the Cussing Stump on the property, don’t sully your Fire Buddy’s ears with filth
  • When your Fire Buddy is on fire and you’re not sure if they need assistance; they will tell you!
  • When you forget what clouds are and get scared during Mandatory Outdoor Time
  • When you’re trying to coordinate about what flavor Slurpees to get with your monthly stipend so you don’t end up with all White Cherry
  • When you don’t remember what kind of toilet paper we use at the house (write it down!!!)
  • When you don’t remember the difference between grapefruits and blood oranges when on grocery duty (again, write it down!!!)
  • When you’re going to be out late and forgot to sign the All Nighter Sheet; it is not your Fire Buddy’s duty to cover for your sinister doings
  • When you won a stuffed animal at that horrid claw game at the Arcade that I expressly forbade you from wasting my laundry money on
  • When you’re siphoning gas for some sort of idiotic fire-based tomfoolery and want to know if your Fire Buddy wants in; I have long since given up on you, but your Fire Buddy is a good boy and I won’t have you corrupting him
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